Blood on the dance floor

Spotted: Unemployed 23 year old takes on Sin City. Brilliant. What happens in Vegas st-.. gets posted on the internet for the world to see...

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Unlike my previous trip, gambling was done on our time in between destinations...it wasn't THE DESTINATION. Finished up about $50 as opposed to down $2.7 million. I was up quite a bit until a darling little blonde with a thick southern accent was sitting alone at a Mississippi Stud table. What the fck is Mississippi Stud? I'm a sucker. Oh well.
My only 2 sports bets were winners, Oklahoma State over Georgia and Heisman hopeful Greg Paulus and co. covering 7 against Minnesota. Would love to have followed through on a BYU national championship bet that crossed my mind at 80 to 1 (They just beat Oklahoma, and if they run the table, they will have beaten TCU, Utah and Florida State. That's enough in my mind to let them play for the BCS title, that's a better schedule than the Badgers play).

Spent a ton of time by the pool. Needless to say, I remain tan and jacked.

The bars - and we'll call them bars so that I don't have to wince everytime I type 'club' - at The Palms were awesome. Ghostbar has an outdoor DJ/dance area and outdoor bar on a balcony 55 floors up. The Palms is the perfect distance off of the strip that when you look out, the entire strip is in your view...and we had to be douche tourists and sit and snap camera phone pictures for 10 minutes...oh well, sorry for partying. Hoping to catch Lindsay Lohan blowing off some dyke relationship steam, we hit up Moon - more of a danceclub, *cringe*, but was real fun, the retractable roof was open. The best part of the night came in the form of B-positive... BLOODY NOSE ON THE DANCEFLOOR, uh-oh. Me and the trashiest drunk girl in the place (zing) were escorted to the kitchen by a man in a black suit. When we were greeted by 12 of these black suit-ed men in the kitchen, I put on my best innocent card counter act, pleading that they don't beat me up. 3 laughed, 2 were visibly annoyed, and the rest were impartial. One of the angry ones wanted to walk us out and go in the service elevator with us... kinda sketch, so I kept a fist (or whatever it is I have on the end of my arm) balled up in case.
On night 3, we headed to see an 80's cover band called Steel Panther. Funniest concert I've ever seen, there's a sign outside saying how 'the show is vulgar so beware'.


After Steel Panther, being the club-hoppers that we are, we hit up Jet at The Mirage. In my head, I was tearing it up on the dance floor with a girl who looked like Khloe Kardashian...more accurate description would probably be that I was stumbling in circles, dancing with a wearwolf of a woman, spilling my drink on everyone, and doing my go-to move every other measure of the song. I've drawn out my go-to move below. I'm a regular Kevin Federline.



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You try to do something nice for a change and it gets thrown back in your face. On my way out the door, I grabbed my ipod for the plane ride, then said 'you know, it would be polite to just talk with the guys on the plane instead of shut them off and throw in my headphones.' That gesture went unreciprocated. Pure hell, especially on the way back. Couldn't sleep, no music, no magazine, cloudy conditions so I couldn't watch out the window.

The night at Jet was fun, HOWEVER... I was informed that Shwayze was going to be at Jet to perform. It was perfect, we saw Steel Panther and they ended at 1:30. The club promoter told us Shwayze went on at 1/1:30 "so that everyone can get in and have a few drinks before he starts." We get there and find ourselves paying a $50 cover only because he's there. Jet is a touch upscale and I wouldn't have gone out of my way to go to the Mirage to go to Jet if I wasn't going to see Shwayze. When he wasn't on when we walked in, I just figured "oh those LA guys, probably doing some drugs in the back, going to be fashionably late, I get it." I ask the wearwolf if Shwayze went on already and she goes "oh the black guy?"... ummm what? If Obama walked through that door would you ask "oh the black guy?" If the Pope walked through that door would you ask "oh the old guy?" Cunt. I should have spilled a drink on her. On purpose this time. The answer was yes, the black guy named Shwayze was already done. I'm still fuming about not seeing him, thanks you fcking dope promoter fag.

Drinks were $12 at Palms and $15 at Jet. Ouch.

I was supposed to have the sweetest male swimwear at the pool - a pair of light seafoam green short dad trunks, the kind with the net liner. It took 5 seconds to squash that idea. Right when we walk out, a 50 year old dude with leathery tan skin, and salt and pepper chest hair shows me who's boss with an orange and pink speedo. There was a water slide there too that flew you down it at all of 7 mph...disappointing.


Eh
I'm torn between being insulted and extremely confident about the number of hookers I was approached by. On one hand, who can resist these high cheek bones and villuptuous (spelling? a word even?) curves. On the other, what, are they like "wow look at that poor sap, this will be like stealing candy from a baby." One at Moon was like "hey! I really think we should get out of here and have some real fun in your room" so in my head I'm thinking 'wow, this chick is DOWN! wait...'
"free fun, right?"
"Pff, no."
I got smart on them, though, and only carried a few bucks with me at the end of the night. Then when they asked, I said "well I've got $8, let's do this!" They followed with a brush of my arm and a "goodnight, sweetie." She called me sweetie...she DOES love me!!!

I'm writing this at 7:30am, can't fall asleep, still on vegas time, and, peering out into the horizon of the next few weeks, don't see anything that will require a specific wake-up or bedtime. I see a 9am to 5pm sleep schedule for quite some time. Nice little nocturnal lifestyle. Maybe I'll get a hold of that wearwolf from Jet, they're nocturnal too.

Miss Universe? Psh, you don't know that for sure

Thank God I DVR'ed Merlin because it got bumped up an hour for something called the Miss Universe Pageant(?) never heard of it. Random thought: I'm calling by year 2100, a really hot alien will take the crown and sash. Jackie Robinson, who?!?!

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Helllooo Miss Australia!! Miss Iceland finishes second on my ballot (not into blondes, but she seems like a real nice girl, you know). And hilarious "Miss Congeniality" and "Miss Photogenic" awards, aka participation ribbons, given to Miss China and Miss Thailand - neither of which made even the first cut. Better luck next year, Asia.

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Heidi Montag's song and dance performance... YIKES. The special olympics dancers think you should get back in the studio and refine your moves. Clearly lip synching, also. Adding to the C-list feel of the night, Flo Rida and Kelly Rowland performed, and Dean Cain got to be a judge along with a line of other nobodys (only one I'd heard of was George Maloof). WTF.

Also, Miss Australia got robbed, I think her question is where she lost it... POISE COUNTS!!!!!

Eh
Miss USA... underwhelming. Since this is a US based program, run by Donald Trump, shouldn't we rig it for us to win every year? Can't we at least put our best foot forward instead of Jane the farmer? I'm sick of this uncompetitive bullshit. What's next, team Belgium running up the score on team USA in football? I should be appointed head of the US Pageant Committee, like the US Olympic Committee, to make sure this kind of thing doesn't happen again. She's still hot though. Call me!

The hardest part of breaking up, is getting back your stuff

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The Bush and The Tush split up. This means 1. We get to see Reggie play the field with middle age poor girls in New Orleans, ERR, 20 year old USC girls. 2. Hopefully Kim Kardashian hits the gym, loses 15 lbs and takes another stab at Playboy or something of the like. And 3. Possible fantasy football relevance/consistency for Reggie. I smell a break out year.
Also, our boy Joe Jonas and the cutie below split up. She's older than him, so the whole 'no sex' thing probably got old for her. I wonder if that's the same for girls as when a 16 year old guy can't get his girl past a hand job. Step your game up, son. (note that this is the best picture of her on Google. Can someone offer her at least a bikini spread please?)


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Leave it to the New York Times to report on the Network Responsibility Index compiled by the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation, which analyzes the amount of prime-time television hours that feature gay, bisexual and transgender characters
Um, helllloooooo, fags, dykes and trannies are lesser human beings, it's science. Are they honestly asking for equal air time for those characters? I hope not but these are not rational people so who knows.

Eh
Am I still watching Real World? You bet, and the current season, filmed in Cancun, is infinitely better than dreary gay Brooklyn was. As a unit, the cast is just ok. The shining star is Joey, a skinny blonde rocker dude with tats and a lip ring. The house cunt, Ayiiia, cut her wrists in the bathroom and everyone was fooled into thinking that cutting is a serious emotional problem. But not Joey, he saw right through it. He even went up to her and asked if he could borrow her knife. Ha, hilarious. As for the tail, theres a tiny little black girl whose name escapes me, and an alternative girl named Jonna. Previously mentioned Ayiiia is probably technically the hottest one. Her body is real nice, but she probably has the same dentist as Michael Strahan. I could kick a 40 yard field goal through that gap. Since I have such awful taste in women, I like Emilee the best. There's nothing really even great about her. Sometimes she looks like a dog, even, but sometimes when she's all dolled up she looks real good. I prefer to just remember those moments. But since none of them are worthy of Googling, it's Miranda Kerr!!!11!

You know you love me. xoxo...

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Spotted: T spends every waking minute watching episodes of Gossip Girl over a long weekend. When T's father walks by, T hits pause and minimizes the window, though. Was it the greatest show T has ever seen? Probably. Is Blair Waldorf (Leighton Meester) the object of his affection? Yes. Does the fact that Serena Van Der Woodsen (Blake Lively), a. has too long and stereotypically rich of a last name, and b. talk and act like Jen Anniston could be playing her character 15 years ago, get in the way of T emotionally liking her? Absolutely. But does T's P really care? No. You know you love me...xoxo, Gossip Girl.

Just watch the show. You want to do it. You should do it. The girls are so sexy, and the "resident bad boy", Chuck Bass, is the man. They say his character is loosely based on the life of the author of this blog. Chuck is the richest kid there, and does everything to rebel against his father. So basically the most original character ever right? But still, he just looks like a villain. He's always getting drunk, always banging someone, always wearing suits, sometimes bowties, and always has his hair slicked back. Plus he bangs Leighton Meester.


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A little math...
Season 1: 18 episodes x 40 mins each = 12 hours
Season 2: 25 episodes x 40 mins each = 16.7 hours

Between 4:30 am Thursday and 4:30 am Monday, I've watched 28.7 hours of Gossip Girl...and loved every second of it. And I'm a guy. I think I need to watch 12 hours of ESPN and 12 hours of girl-on-girl porn to make up for this. Except, if I have to watch 12 hours of Sportscenter, I'm going to be joining Michael Jackson and Billy Mays. Show sucks. Unbearable. The talentless turds that they have for anchors now make me cringe at every attempted joke. And since it's summer, it's "Who's Now?" and "My Wish" season. Terrible.


Eh
They said in the news that a legend has passed away, so I'm here to let you know I'm still alive, don't worry!
Too soon probably, hey?...

whats the difference between micheal jackon and a playstation ? there isnt a difference, they both get turned on by kids and there both made of plastic.

Over his life time MJ visited many countries and touched many people, its just a shame that 80% of them were under 7 years old....

Michael Jackson has cancelled all upcoming dates. One is Thomas aged 9. Another is Dylan aged 6.

Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out Boyz 2 Men was a music group and not a delivery service.

Talented Feet?

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GOSSIP GIRL...and more specifically Leighton Meester. While Jessica Biel struggles to disassociate herself with 7th Heaven, Leighton's swinging for the fences. In case you've been hiding under a rock (read: "don't search 'gossip girl' in google news"), Leighton Meester (the brunette from Gossip Girl) made a sex tape a few years ago and "her ex boyfriend" now sold it to a website. Leighton is a BEAUTIFUL girl. Absolutely gorgeous. Tisdale gorgeous. Oh yeah, and she also gives the guy a 'footjob' in the video. No joke. You should see the gears turning in my head.

To completely one-up Paris Hilton, along with a sex tape, she's also featured on a song ironicly titled "Good Girls Go Bad" with the band Cobra Starship that Ryan Seacrest tabbed "possibly the song of this summer" (not that I believe what Lucky Pierre nerds think, I actually listened to it, it's not bad).

To completely one-up everybody, Leighton and Blake Lively took part in possibly the hottest photo shoot ever for Rolling Stone. Except the iffy thing is that 2 girls 1 cup crossed my mind when I saw them attacking that ice cream cone. Then I remembered Leighton hates ice cream so we had to paint my dick bright green during the shoot and photoshop in the cone later. Things have a way of working out in the end.







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Post-game scissoring coming to a 15% filled arena near you...It's now WNBA season. Yuck.


Eh
Look at my (former) roomate, he's a regular Gilbert Godfrey

The Climb

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Me. The Make A Wish Foundation camera crew was close behind when four area men descended upon Hoover, AL's Buccaneer Stadium for some field goal kicking and touchdown catching. I hit a fukcing 40 yard field goal. Barefoot. At Hoover. That's like shooting an armed redneck at Gettysburg after they've stolen Ashley Tisdale's purse.
I'm also a pretty big deal in the Nashville area and the south in general. Trace this, Trace that, everywhere. Neighborhoods, streets, trail mixes, bike stores all with Trace in the name. How player is that? One very satisfied woman told us "you can ride the Trace all the way to the Mississippi River, it's a pretty fun ride." Pretty fun ride, indeed...ma'am.

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The award for worst state in the Union goes to Illinois for it's "breathtaking" scenery, and lack of ability to uniquely name it's cities. Mix in a foothill or two, or something to sled on, anything. 7th grade girls push their boobs together and push them up when they have flat chests, take a page out of their book. As for the cities, I think they just don't have time and resources to do anything but throw a dart at a US map when they need to name one. 98% of their resources go to Chicago, they don't have anything left to pay anyone with wild creativity ERR a 3rd grader to come up with something other than Nashville or Decatur. They do have something to hang their hat on, though...Metropolis - aka a trailer park full of comic book nerds built around a shrine to Superman.

Eh
As in I'm undecided on whether this was the funniest thing ever or I was just tired, or high on meth or something. We made a gas station stop somewhere in Tennessee at a Love's. After I filled my fountain drink, I see a nice display of dvd's with a sign above "Action Movies...For Dad." Then an Orange Chicago Bears jersey with #23 Devin Hester on the front and back...but number 6 on the left sleeve, and abosolutely nothing, blank, on the right sleeve. Then some plain white button down baseball jerseys. "I Love's this jersey!" ha get it, we were at a Love's gas station. Right? Yeah I think it's the meth.

Bush

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The women's softball college world series...so tight. Specifically, Ms. Megan Bush, shortstop for the lady Gators. (Google images...all they have are her team roster bio pic and a pic of a dirty girl getting fucked with the caption "Check out Megan's Bush!") I'm a sucker for white pants and blonde pony tails anyway, but when she grabs an Easton and parks one half way up the bleachers to win a game, I get a little white in the pants as well. The Gators are a pretty good looking team all around. Not '06/'07 Arizona Wildcats hot, but a good looking group none the less.

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95% of the girls on the other teams. I think there's a quota of one hot girl per team, Florida just chooses to pay whatever the penalty is, sort of like the luxury tax in the NBA. Even when I see one who looks like they have potential, one camera close up later, I'm back to 6:00.

Eh
Remembering that you're watching women's softball and fantasizing about rug munching D1 women's athletes. They cut to a camera man back by the makeshift locker room tents where a few Alabama players were sitting in a kiddie pool between games. They looked irritated, almost like the camera man was interrupting something. I have no idea what that something could be - I just know that lesbians aren't the most sexually conservative people around. I've been told by a bitter ex-girlfriend that I'm "the kind of guy that makes a girl change her sexuality," so hey, let the big dog eat!

Speaking of Arizona softball players...

Do you ever yearn?

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I decided that girls can be scored based on your behavior pre and post climax...
Pull out early then handy to finish - she's pro-life and not a looker.
The Just-in-time Pull Out - default
The woops! 1/4 in, 3/4 out pull out - if it happens, it benefits me
and The sucks-to-be-you,-nerd non-pull out - vacations, other states after you've used a fake name, hometown and back story

Marko Jaric of the Timberwolves...Knocked up Adriana Lima, well done sir.
LeBron James...Knocked up his high school gf. Woops, you're the biggest star in pro sports but no models for you. (yeah right, fidelity is blacked out in the Webster's Official Pro Athletes' Dictionary)
This is a huge stretch and makes no sense, but when you're a zombie at the wheel for 5 hours, you come up with some genius shit. Putting a good spin on Marko Jaric doing anything exerts too much energy. Adriana's probably kicking herself... that or at some underground science lab making sure this baby gets her gorgeous genes not his douchy ones.


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Adam Lambert has some fresh, great new ideas for his debut album.

The musical mix will include...more emotional songs that "appeal to people that are going through a hard time or don't believe in themselves," he said.
"I want to communicate the liberation that is being comfortable in your own skin and that is being your own person," said Lambert, who has largely kept his personal life under wraps. "And the spirit of being different, and how strong that can make you feel."
Any dream collaborators?
"Madonna would be amazing," he gushes. "I'd love to work with Madonna — I think she's a genius.

Few things, Adam...I don't believe mixing Emo music with the cassette tape my mom got me after my dad called me a fat little girl in second grade constitutes a new genre.
Madonna and genius have only been used together in sentences like "It would be genius to come up with a way to eliminate that bitch, Madonna." "Gushing" about Madonna can only mean one thing...hint: it isn't that you're heterosexual.


Eh
My homie, Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers has been spotted canoodling with Lady Antebellum front-...lady Hillary Scott in Vegas. Pretty cute girl. Since I've only seen head shots of her, I used my Google images lifeline and WOW - naked blondes, my penis, threesomes ALLL OVER THE PAGE. Turns out there's a porn star with the same name - Hillary Scott. And yeah, I have SafeSearch turned off in my preferences, don't judge. Basically Aaron's got himself an original jelly bean - she was great until I tried the Starburst jelly bean and had an instant errection from the rush of sugary flavor. Have I gone back to an original jelly bean in the last 10 years... of course not. Can I sit and say wow Lady A singer is stunningly hot... not without thinking of the alternative. But she's still a looker.

Pulling out is for boyfriends

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THIS...is aaMERican Idol! Idol Season 8 ended with a bang - 2 hrs of performances by the top 13 and collaborations of Idols and actual music stars. Danny Gokey is by far the best of the Idols. That raspy voice is so bad ass. He probably gained tons of votes as a result of his backstory - church music director, youth center volunteer, wife tragically dies during heart surgery a month before tryouts for the competition. Fat middle age women eat that shit up. I wish he had some edge to him, though - a few stints in juvy, a coke problem, anything. He's too nice. The question is how long does he have to grieve the wife? Did you see all those girls screaming his name on there? You think girls have any hesitation about hooking up with celebs, let alone ones who sing on the highest rated (or close, whatever) show on tv? Guy could be with a new 20 year old every night on tour. Insensitive? That's what they said when I dumped my ex after that car accident. You say "body cast" I say "cockblock." Dude got to meet ASHLEY FUKCING TISDALE - this was in Milwaukee Magazine (that powerhouse celebrity news giant)...

"I was freaking out," Tisdale told MTV of her encounter with (Gokey). "I waited for Danny Gokey to come out of the bathroom, and he was, like, freaking out." A whole lotta freaking out going on."

Wow Danny you're my...IDOL, I guess? Except I would have grabbed her by the hair and brought her in there with me.


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That fag Adam Lambert was at it again last night. He could be the biggest star to come from Idol this season, let alone ever, but if I ever hear that clown do his gay screaming high note with the tongue out bullshit, I'm shaving his head and hiding his mascara. Give it a rest, guy. I am convinced that he lost because of that.


Eh
Jason Mraz ERR Jack Johnson ERR Ben Harper ERR Tyler and Andy ERR Kris Allen upset Adam Lambert to win Idol 8. Kris was pretty good though, he took his songs and made them completely different, which was interesting. What isn't interesting is how he was basically the same as every other douche bag who sits on a stool with his acoustic guitar and sings soft stuff. Speaking of stool, and speaking of Tisdale...I'm overdue for a blumkin.