Purity, Shmurity

SO today I watched a True Hollywood Story on "young hollywood" but basically only caught the part on the Jonas Brothers. I guess they all have little promise rings or purity rings saying that they're going to wait until marriage to stay true to themselves. What the fuck ever... you're too young to realize your foolishness. I know they have their "strong family support" and squeaky clean image, but they are near the top of my list for stars who will definately take a 180 about 5 years down the road. One day they'll wake up and realize "hey...we're kinda like the biggest thing going right now with teenage girls, what are we waiting for?!" We're going to see Joe Jonas with a shaved head and K-Fed beard talking about his ecstasy problems and std's, and the youngest one with a full beard talking about drinking so much his diabetes went wacko and he should be dead. 6-5 odds this happens.

Random thoughts on the past week.

Been a while but I'm back, baby! Spent the week in Guatemala rebuilding an orphanage. Good times, hot weather... no hot babes. Speaking of hot babes, since you brought it up, the dark hair has officially grown on me and Tisdale is out of the doghouse. Don't make me regret publishing that, Ash, by doing another dud like the Cosmo cover.

Can you believe the nerve of Whit Port? The coolest guy of all the post-Laguna shows tells you he loves you, and you blow him off. Wait, so you're single?

The Amber show was a hit- ERR complete dud. Not exactly entertaining, incredibly contrived. Amber M. holds steady in the top spot of my power rankings, but Amber B is losing ground with each passing week.

Holy shit there's a Motts Apple Juice commercial with the red head from Desperate Housewives and wow do I want to bend her over. Right in front of those two kids on there, I don't care. Red heads are incredibly polarizing even within one's own taste. I either want to sexually impale them or toss them in a wood chipper.

Great new show to fill the void of a Sunday night - Tough Love on VH1. Keeping with VH1's style of slanting towards trashy, Tough Love can be described as Rock of Love meets Millionaire Matchmaker. 8 girls live in a mansion to get coached by one of the country's top matchmakers (we're told)...and he's a dude. The guy gives them the blunt truth of what guy's are thinking about everything they do. There's some characters, and some not so exciting ones as well, but the guy's pretty funny so it's worth watching.

BGC finale tonight, and it looks like they completely fck the place up before they leave. A few last minute fights? hookups? Will the girls leave each other with hugs and hand pounds? or slaps and hair pulls?

Trey Wingo's fall from grace

I was going to take a crack at a running diary of the women's NCAA tourney selection show. I lasted 45 seconds before I decided I'd rather tie a 25 pound weight around my ear and drop it repeatedly. Seeing Trey Wingo host the show was disapointing. Trey hosts shows about relevant stuff such as the NFL...not this. It's like seeing a formerly successful friend begging for change on your walk to lunch. Anyway, the speculation and analysis from the two broads on the set was incredible... "Can ANYONE beat UCONN this year?" "Well I think it would take a team who has a great point guard to match up with (whoever) and a great shooting guard to match up with (whoever) and a great center, small forward and power forward to match up with (whoever), then I think you might have a shot." Earth-shattering insight. This is what ESPN has to offer for prime time television? I'd rather watch a special ed class make rock candy.

Tisdale getting sexier?

“It’s edgy. It’s an album to rock out to. It’s definitely sexier. I have a sexy side to me, but it’s more of a fun sexy. Sure, I’m a nice girl, but there’s also a part of me that wants to be rebellious.”

...That's Tisdale's description of her soon to be released album, Guilty Pleasure. I sure hope that's the case because her previous album, Headstrong, not only has pitiful album artwork, but the music is the same "ugh get these paparazzi away! Ugh, now that I'm in front of the camera and bright lights, life's sooo haard!" B.S. that I would expect from a talentless skeleton like Lindsay Lohan.

Tis is also going to be on the cover of Cosmo. Not that I've ever read the magazine, but I hear it's a really popular one and that it says alot about your current stardom if you can land the cover. If we start spelling Cosmo, P-L-A-Y-B-O-Y, then I'll be excited. Plus she has her dark hair for it anyway.

Also, word on the street is she DID in fact dye her hair...to something described as "honey." That's like when you're 22 years old, ERRR 9 years old, and you mom tells you to clean up your room, so you kick all the clothes to the corners and under the bed so that you can see the floor. I'm all for brunettes as long as they're tan. So tan your skin, or bring back the platinum blonde - don't "tan" your hair.

UPDATE: K, that was a really old picture, but I like my analogy so the paragraph stays - false info or not.

looks ghostly on this cover, but better on the red carpet...

UPDATE: Forget "better on the red carpet", she looks fantastic. Keep the hair flat and skin tan and we're golden, Tis.

MJ's new borricua

Michael Jordan lost toooonnnnnns of dinero to his wife in their divorce ($168 million to be exact, the largest celebrity divorce settlement in history), and the new lady is paying for it, I guess. Michael and new cuban girlfriend, Yvette Prieto, bought a measley 5,500 square foot villa in Miami together. Prieto filed for chapter 7 bankruptcy in '02, so don't fault him for being a little gunshy to share his assets this time around. Cubans are freaky little girls. All that communism and wierd shit going on in their native land, when they defect to America they are like a rodeo bull getting released from it's cage. Just don't knock her up and have to owe her money too, Mike. Actually, there are rumors that they're getting married soon, but I don't believe any of the things I read on the internet.

Aaaaand that's the way the cookie crumbles...

A non-timestamped running diary of tonights Bad Girls Club...
This epi is called "The Cookie Crumbles"...hil. Amber M. (nickname is Cookie, but you know that...or else you're gay) got her ass wooped. By her 3 roomates. Tiff, Boston and Ailea all grabbed her hair and hit her and kicked her in the face while she was down. Craaaazy shit. Sign of a dream vacation - you're on a free trip to Cancun, no doubt getting your drinks and everything else comped, and you get in a brawl...with the people you came with.

Boston is going off about how 'you don't eva hit someone with ya shoe. In Bah-stin we hit with oua fists. You don't hit with a shoe.' while they show a montage of her hitting with a shoe and talking about hitting with shoes or shoving them up someone's ass on earlier episodes. Classy. While she brings nothing to the table in terms of looks, and causes me headaches when she talks, she still brings it in the unintentional comedy arena.

The (Fake) Five are sitting around their suite feeling victorious. Ailea shouts "hey but if anyone ever gets in my girls' faces, you better believe I'm right there next to them!!" Wow, I wasn't aware anyone over the age of 19 still said that.

Damn, Amber M. looks hiddeous. The next morning after being nearly blacked out drunk, dancing (sweating) up storm, and getting her ass whipped, I'm not proud to have woken up next to her. She's a mess.

The police show up at their hotel to question them. Throw them in Mexican jail! Not surprisingly, Ailea lies to them "Oooh, I'm not sure what all happened, they both grabbed each other and then when they let go everyone was spread all over and I have no clue what happened." Shut up.

Yes, they're questioning Boston, she's going to jail!! "Maaan, jail is definately not like this in Bah-stin." You piece of shit, now make my license plates! They do that in jail right? Well, not in Fort Myers.

OK, now she's not going to jail...but she can talk all she wants about Bah-stin now, because she's going back there.

Ugh. Ailea is crying and looks especially disgusting. She says "I don't have many friends, and now that I have a friend, she's going home (sob)." God, shut up. Not the sharpest tool either, she just admitted to also kicking Cookie. Cookie wants her gone. Might happen. GASP! STAY TUNED!

Tiff's actually an interesting character. She's tough as hell, could tell me she plays Arena Football and I'd believe her, beats girls up at the clubs...but is the only one not being a total c-word towards Amber M. When Ailea and the other ones start going nuts behind Amber's back, she's there to put them in their place.

HA - They showed the Ambers taking a shot, and Amber B. plugged her nose when she took it. They were panning away from her to show a close up of Amber M., but you could still see it if you have eagle eye vision like me. I've seen 8 year olds plug their nose during swimming lessons, but never a girl at a bar.

HA - Sarah: "Is it bad I just did Noah(her dude in LA)'s high five after I (bleep)ed a Mexican?"
Ashley: "Who cares you used a condom, it doesn't count."
...Move Ashley up a rung on my ladder!

Tight..."Next week on- THE AMBER SHOW!" The Ambers host the show to show some of the footage we didn't get to see from other episodes, and it looks like hit the town with a camera and microphone. Can't wait.

Weekly BGC power rankings...
1. Amber M. - takes a licking. Gives one too? Where's my phone...
2. Tiff - Solid showing this week bumps her waay up to the 2 spot. Showed some balls, if that's a good thing.
3. Amber B. - no purse "disasters" this week. Stayed out of the fray, and continued looking good doing it.
4. Ashley - Killer condom comment. I hope your parents were watching.
5. Boston - You brought me a few laughs. If I don't see you again...keep on...keep trucking.
6. Sarah - Gets the nod over Ailea because, well, Satan would get the nod over Ailea.
7. Ailea - You've come a long way from the first episode...when I said "wow that kiwi girl is fairly cute."

wtf Doug. More importantly WTF TISDALE!

If you don't know who Doug Reinhardt is, you're not alone. He's on The Hills. I watch the damn show and don't know him. Anyway, how'd you like your last three girlfriends to be Lauren Conrad, Amanda Bynes, and Paris Hilton? Tough gig. However, if you have the kind of game to get Amanda Bynes, wtf are you doing with Paris Hilton? She looks like an eagle. There's few ways to trade up from Amanda - Casey Carlson, Ashley Tisdale*, Aly or AJ, and Jessica Alba. That's pretty much the list.

*Dye your hair back or we are not on speaking terms.

How 'bout them Cowboys?

There's no real difference between The Bachelor and Flavor of Love (etc.), except the women have a high school diploma and might make you spend money on them before they sleep with you. I've never seen an episode of The Bachelor, and I have no idea why. The girls are all 10's. If you think "well on Flavor of Love, all the girls just have sex with the guy the whole time anyway, unlike The Bachelor" you're dead wrong. Guaranteed. ABC just happened to stumble on some data that says that stuff doesn't appeal to 18-49 year old women. There's so much in it for the girls the later they hang on that why on earth wouldn't you? Nobody really likes the guy, they're just looking for their break... Melissa, the hot former Cowboys cheerleader who got the final rose, then got dumped on the reuinion show, is parlaying her pity party into a run on Dancing With The Stars to fill in for Access Hollywood host Nancy O'Dell. I may tune in. Probably not. She's a dime, though.

Random 24 thoughts...

Shameless cross-promotion, yes, but a few things about 24...

Watching the earlier seasons after watching a few of these later ones was wierd. Jack Bauer has the skills and abilities of a mere mortal in those early seasons. Now if a 50 foot concrete reinforced steel wall were in Jack's way, he'd use his go go gadget suction cups to climb it, or flap his wings to fly over it. It's ridiculous at times.

"Madam President, woof"...yes, but Madamoiselle Taylor, yow! Hot for an (must be) Ivy league grad. They should have had some of the bullets shoot off parts of her clothes so that her tits and legs were hanging out. Sex sells.

I don't think HD was intended to show you acne scratches from puberty, or the pores on someone's nose and cheeks so vividly. Bauer looks like he's been to hell and back. Oh yeah, he pretty much has.

Agent Moss, aka the coach from Mighty Ducks 3 (the Mark Taylor of the trilogy), is suuuuch a pussy. The show goes out of their way to show the people who follow protocols as pricks, but it's incredible how unlikeable they've made him.

Red Foreman must have gotten sick of being in and out of a job in Point Place and ran for Senate. He's a real douche now, though. He went from being one of the best characters on That 70's Show to being one of the 2 most unlikeable characters on 24. I bet he's down with the terrorists, I have a feeling.

Breaking News, Varsity Blues star Jon Voigt is rumored to be part of today's attack on the White House. Also, the warden (or whatever, I don't even like Shawshank) is moving his way up the ladder and has assumed a role in the President's cabinet. Why not just hire George Costanza and Cosmo Kramer.