Tick, tock, tick, tock...

Miley Cyrus "got the nod" for 3 Kids' Choice Awards. More importantly, she gets the nod for the "Hurry Up And Turn 18" Award from my penis. And since you ARE of age Amanda Bynes, get off your fucking high horse and do Playboy!

The Cold War?

Beta vs. VHS. Coke vs. Pepsi. Apple vs. Microsoft. Snuggie vs. Slanket. Yes. A new battle has emerged. The Snuggie and Slanket are both blankets with sleeves so you can effectively change channels, read books, finger yourself, or whatever, and remain warm. I prefer the Slanket for the look, feel, color assortment, and boner I get when I wear it, but time will tell who emerges as the market leader for sleeved comfort accessories.

And I know genius modeling when I see it. I used to work with models.


photograph by Natalie Thompson

Don't knock it 'til you ride it

That bikini girl from American Idol, nobody remembers her name, says she's being pitched some interesting opportunities, including a Playboy centerfold.

"I wouldn't say no, but at the same time I don't want to stunt my career by jumping into that too soon and be labeled once again, as 'just a body.' But I don't knock it," she said.

Umm, should we tell her?...Really? OK yeah we should...YOU ARE JUST A BODY, THAT'S WHY YOU ARE NO LONGER ON THE SHOW. DO PLAYBOY, RETARD. BEFORE CASEY CARLSON GETS KICKED OFF AND SHE DOES IT.



and yes, I did mention Casey Carlson just so I can post her pictures...

Jess-Orca Simpson

That whale, Jessica Simpson, did a bang up job opening for Rascall Flatts in Michigan last night.

The Grand Rapids Press says Simpson forgot her lyrics, struggled with her ear monitors, mumbled through songs and fought back tears during Thursday night's performance.

Jessica, you used to be married to one of the coolest guys in boy band history, used to headline your own shows, used to induce more masterbation than you'd probably like to think about, and used to be genuinely liked by most people. I guess all I'm saying is lay off the Ben & Jerry's.

What's up Africa?

Marshawn Lynch did a profile interview for The Sporting News, here's some personal highlights...

First off, the subtitle of the interview is "(What you won't find on facebook...even if you are approved as a friend)"

Second, the guy owns four green cars. No, not green like that hippie hybrid bullshit, I mean literally the color green. Four of them. All green. I know.

What's in my iPod: Messy Marv, The Jacka, Lil Webbie, Lil' Boosie, Clyde Clarkson, Hustler, J Stylin, Keak Da Sneak and the Farm Boyz, Killa Tank, Lee Majors, Mistah F.A.B., 2Pac, Sleepy D

...Are any of them going to be at Country Thunder this year?!

On my office walls: A mural of me and everything meaningful in my life that my cousin painted. It includes my mama, penguins, the skyline of Oakland, "Family First", footballs.

...WTF meaning could penguins have that they make the cut of top 5 things in your life.

Favorite meal: Fried chicken, spaghetti and red kool-aid - unless my cousin made the blue

...unless my cousin made the blue. Wow.

My bucket list: I don't really think about that too often but I would like to go to Africa and see what's up over there. Also, the Philippines and Asia. Go to Fiji and see if the water is really like that. And also, I am going to go down in history for something. I'm not sure what yet, but it will be something good.

...He makes Africa sound like a neighborhood. Marshawn...it's a continent, homie. And great year 2002 Fiji water reference. I really can't believe what I just read.

Dear A-Fraud,

SLOPPY SECONDS!1!1! LMAO!1!1!

Sincerely,
Guy Richie

*******
Dear Nick Lachey, Nick Cannon, Justin Timberlake and Cash Warren,

Sloppy Seconds.

Sincerely,
Derek Jeter

Stay Sexy...

Sooo I guess I found the coolest man in America while looking for the gayest man in America. Chet from RW Brooklyn...no way are you straight. I'll buy it that you're a mormon, but you're as straight as the number 8. This stud however....wow. Without further adieu, Mr. Chet Wisconsin!

More Deja Vu

Where have we seen this before?...Oh yeah, when the Cowboys were legitimate Superbowl contenders every year, not just fighting for a 6 seed. When Michael Irvin was snorting an 8-ball of coke every night at a scrip club and cheating on his wife. When Charles Haley was pulling his dick out in team meetings and, sometimes, jerking off in the middle of them. When a group of players bought a house near the practice facility and called it "the white house." (you get it? because cocaine is white, and so is that liquid they covered girls with when they were cheating on their wives...get it?) Now THOSE are the Dallas Cowboys we grew up on. Anyways, former Cowboys WR Terry Glenn was arrested in the Dallas area for public intoxication and marijuana posession. Those cops had to be like, "maaan it's been a while for this. Hey, you remember that one time when....haha yeah, or that other time when...haha yeah. Maaan this could go on for hours."

UPDATE: WTF am I talking about? They never got arrested for anything. The more realistic exchange would be "Maan Terry, it's too bad you guys aren't winning Superbowls (or anything for that matter) anymore, otherwise you'd be right on your way."

That stripper was sooo hot

Someone probably got a Superbad-like period stain on his pants during a lapdance, or something, and decided to fight fire with fire. That fits well here. A man and a woman called a stripper outside of the LA strip club Babes & Beer Sports Club, where she works, doused her with something flammable and lit her on fire. No word on whether someone made it rain to put out the flames.

You said it, Clyde

Clyde Drexler, color analyst extraordinaire. I admire how he held his tongue and didn't say anything outrageous, there's much worse I would have, ERRR, he could have said.

I've definately heard better audio in my life, heres a transcript...
Clyde: "That's like clubbing baby seals, there's nothing Nocioni can do."
Guy: "Oh Wow, give me a better picture than that."

Welcome to the jungle

My google images search of Vanessa Hudgens pics jogged my memory of her present to Zac from a few years ago, and lead to this exchange...

Heeey Vanessa, I love you, don't get me wrong, but I have to put you a rung or two below Tisdale because... are you listening? I'm just going to whisper this so come close....MIX IN A MOTHERFUCKING MACH 3 EVERY SO OFTEN. MY DREAM OF A GIRLS OF THE DISNEY CHANNEL SPREAD DEPENDS ON THIS! DO YOU SEE HOW PERFECT AND ANGELIC ASHLEYS LOOKS?!

On the hunt

In my quest for decent Tisdale pictures, I found a few that needed sharing. I also learned some great news...Ashley agreed in writing that I can release our sex tape. She has also left her old agency and joined CAA, which represents all of the big fish I guess. The conclusion about this is that she wants to do more movies, since that's CAA's forte, or whatever. Body Shots 2?! Whatever it is, please get naked. I will too. Donkey Punch set the bar high, but we can take over the top spot for male full frontal film of the year.

Tool Time

If MTV is the playboy of reality tv, then Vh1 is the Hustler. They go all out for unintentional comedy, and have no shame whatsoever. Their latest brain child, Tool Academy, is a real treat. Here's their description...

"They parade through dance clubs, preening and posing while they bestow a great gift on womankind... themselves. They live in their own little world where your spray-on tan defines you, muscles are the new black and no woman, especially your girlfriend's best friend, is off limits. They lie, they cheat, they treat their women like door mats. They are America's Tools... and they need help. They just don't know it yet.

But their women do. So, 9 frustrated women... all dating complete tools will take one last chance at reforming them by enrolling them in the only place that can make a difference and transform them... the Tool Academy."

I'm struggling to see where these guys can improve themselves, but I'm definately going to watch and find out.

Such a sweetheart...

On last nights incredible block of television on Oxygen, Amber M. and Amber B. tried to get married, to each other, in Vegas. Amber M.'s vows started like this...
Amber M.: "From the moment the strap on hit me in the back, I knew I wanted to spend my life with you."
I swear that line was in one of the emails she sent me, but I digress... As a guest on Tyra after the show, Amber shared the fact that she's for sure had sex with at least 40 people, no question, and that she once had sex with her boyfriend's little brother when the boyfriend was passed out at a party. What a ray of sunshine!

Little Kelly Clarkson

Kelly Clarkson is back, thank god! And back to herself circa 1995, with her new hit single "My Life Would Suck Without You" and telling Fox News "I like boys" when asked if she was a lesbian. When she was over the other night, she gave me a hand job and then left at 10. It's like deja vu, and unfortunately not the Deja Vu in the Twin Cities.

Grab a slanket...

Tonight on the Bad Girls Club, the gals are all heading to Vegas. Who needs boring LA I guess. Should be epic and by epic I mean I'm going to need a new pair of boxers at some point. (9 or 10 tonight on Oxygen)

I think Tyra Banks trying to be a legitimate talk show host is one of the funnier things on tv, and tonight should be a real treat. I've never watched Tyra, but she is a weekly staple on The Soup (on E!). Not only is my babe Whit Port going to be a guest tonight, but some of the girls from the Bad Girls Club are guests as well. (11 on Oxygen)

Nip/Tuck, Bad Girls, Tyra back-to-back-to-back. Doooo iiit.

Oh, herro Mirey Cyrus

The Asian community is hating on my girl, Miley, today. Miley and some friends took a picture of themselves pulling their eye lids to make slanty eyes. SO her scandalous resume now contains slanty eyed picture, picture of her under satin bed sheets, and pictures of her in her underwear (hardly) that got leaked when she was emailing them to me. What a prude.

In related news, I am personally begging a prominent male magazine to do a "Girls of the Disney Channel" spread. Forcing people to sift through the bs on google images is a crime.

Now, more of that little devil, Miley...

Weak epi of The City

On a normal day, I could give you a page and a half of what happened on an episode of The City... this is all I can muster up to describe last night's episode...

Allie went with Whitney to Kelly Cutrone's birthday party. Kelly kept asking Allie if she was ok because she looks too skinny (she's a model but you already know that because you watch every week). Allie gets upset. Roll Credits.

I've worked with models before. They're complex. Allie's the second hottest girl on the show. When I finished all over the back of her shoulders, I could have swore she was an angel. Kelly Cutrone looks like a witch who's face got beaten with a hot skillet. I have to rule in favor of Allie.

WTF MTV?

Someone has some serious mud on MTV and wants the Real World series to crash and burn. That's the only answer I can come up with the disaster I'm forced to watch every week on Real World Brooklyn. There are 8 cast members, 5 were born male and 3 were born female. The best looking girl is "just ok" or "just sport" (depending on your scale), and there's no comedy, intentional or unintentional. Some gay pool boy is their closest attempt - they show him saying some iffy things when he's drunk, but it just makes you cringe instead of laugh. Can I get a platinum blonde? or bring back Joey from Real World Hollywood? It's as close to unwatchable as I care to call a tv show. Will I keep watching?...Reluctantly.

There is no possible picture I could post from RW Brooklyn that would even get a reaction from anyone.

Chloe, Animal Planet's been compromised!

Just when I finish watching an episode of 24, I hear of a prominent branch of cable tv, Animal Planet, has been infiltrated and is being run by Michael Vick from inside prison. I hear Obama helped him communicate with his people, what do you think of that, hippies?! Ok, I hate politics so nvm. The event was thinly veiled as a canine football game and was aired during halftime of the Superbowl. It was an old fashioned slobber-knocker, as the pictures illustrate. Good god, that's Clifford's music!

What's your Tis-deal, Ash?!

Ashley Tisdale was seen cheating on me with the lead singer of the One-ders from That Thing You Do...and died her hair. It's ok, I don't discriminate based on color.

Sit down frat boy

Michael Phelps is back in the news. He was down at the University of South Carolina visiting his girlfriend (probably boyfriend) and showed up at a house party. "Witnesses" at the party said he was being a total d-bag, surprise, and was loud and obnoxious. If college students at a house party are calling you loud and obnoxious, even when you have the benefit of the doubt because you're a celebrity, then you must have been a complete frat boy tool all night long. But that was only the second thought that crossed my mind... the first is this - we heard during the olympics that Phelps has some crazy lung capacity like 8 times that of a normal man (or whatever)...can he take down a whole joint/bowl in one drag? Can he get all of the thc into his bloodstream nearly instantly? He intrigues me as a drug user, but I'd rather punch him in the face than get drunk with him...or just do both. Act like you've been there before, Michael. None-the-less, the outrage in the media is typical and ridiculous.

What up Tisdale?

I despise older women. They think they're entitled to something and wear wedding rings. I can make a rare exception for Ms. Ashley Tisdale. Contrary to my penis's eye for age guessing, she is not 17, she's 23. She's got a little bit of an Erin Andrews look to her, only muuuuch younger (EA is a prehistoric 32 years old). She is most famous for her roles on what has become the most erotic network on tv...the Disney Channel. According to her official website, www.ashleytisdale.com, Ashley's favorite food is sushi and favorite color is pink. I think I'd like to introduce my sushi to her pink sometime in the very near future.

Fuck you, Koala!

The best Superbowl commercial this year goes to CareerBuilder.com with this one...

You don't watch The Bad Girls Club?!

The Bad Girls Club is one of the most explosive, unintentionally funny shows on tv. 7 "troubled" females are put in a house in LA with the goal of getting trashed and being on tv, ERRRR "bettering themselves as women in society." There's this bitch on there from Boston, who calls herself "Boston", go figure, and says "bitch if we were in Boston right now, I would...!!!" every fucking night. She's a true class act. Then theres a bitch from Milwaukee who claims she doesn't know how to approach men because she's "used to being, like, the hot girl wherever (she) is at home"... umm you're not the hottest girl on a farm in the boonies of Wisconsin, let alone Milwaukee, so don't go mudslinging like that about my town. Then there's this kiwi bitch who, at first glance, is actually a real cute looking foreign gal, but after the first 10 minutes of the premier, believe it or not, we find out she is in fact no catch at all. She's a whiny little baby who is afraid to meet guys unless it's on the internet, and has a "boyfriend" who has to be about 55 (she says he's 40, you kno, because that's more acceptable since she's 21) with grey hair and a bald spot. Then there's my two little cuties - Amber and Amber. They're both blonde and both keep calling me to hang out at their place with them. It's getting annoying, really. The other girls are clearly jealous of how easy it is for the Ambers to pick up dudes, and they get all whiny and bitchy towards them. I'm glad people aren't like that here or I might get twice as many death threats. People sure are nice in Milwaukee.

BGC airs on Tuesday at 9 or 10, whatever tickles your pink. Now watch, otherwise if I hit on you at a bar, you might not make it past the first 90 seconds.

Pick up line du jour

Did you invite all of these people here? I thought it was just going to be you and me