Tisdale's new whip

My girl Tisdale just bought a Mercedes G Wagon. Pretty badass.

Ashley also talked to The Insider about ending her role in the High School Musical franchise. I know all the little boys and girls will still shit their pants about a High School Musical 4 when it comes out, but ultimately, this will be like Dirty Dancing and Grease. Unless you think real hard or watch an insane amount of low quality movie channels, nobody remembers Grease 2 or Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights. We'll remember the High School Musical franchise as having only 3. Or just won't care and will remember Tis and Vanessa. Anyway, Ash, as well as Zac, Vanessa, and the others, were in tears on the last day of filming and couln't get through some scenes. I think girls crying is probably the most disgusting thing in the world. That hiddeous look and noise, ugh. But I bet Ash looked like an angel.
"Welp, you know what they say...the best way to get over something is to get under me," I told her.
"(sob) What?"
"Nothing. Let's go check out the backseat of that G Wagon."
"Wow, you DO read minds!"

More Octo-mom porn news...

You may want to take a shower after reading this.

That's the gem that FoxNews opened this article with. Apparently what Vivid wants to do with the Octo-mom flicks is have her bang 8 dudes in every film. Vivid CEO Stephen Hirsch...thank you for my entertainment for today. Do you think he kept a straight face through all of this? I sure didn't...

"The number eight is obviously heavily associated with her so we would like to work with that," Vivid’s CEO Stephen Hirsch told Tarts. "But we would really love just to sit down and talk with her and come up with something she feels comfortable with. We want her to be involved with the whole thing from the plot line to the packaging."

..."She’s struggling financially and this is a woman who wants to provide for her kids," Hirsch said. "This way she can hold her head high and not be using taxpayers money to support her family."

Plot line? Hold her head high? ...Gold.

Going to be a little too Vivid for me

THE big porn production company, Vivid Entertainment, has offered Nadya Suleman, the Octo-Mom, or whatever they call her, $1 million and free health and dental care for her and her family if she signs on to do multiple films. The fact that Vivid is the biggest porn company is common knowledge right? Oh, that's news to you? Liar. Really?

Isn't this a twist of irony...She's psychotic and most likely has seen gallons and gallons of semen in her life. Now, to have all of these children, NO SEX WAS INVOLVED. Now, WHEN she signs on with Vivid, she will continue on the rampage that she, probably, was on before she had them. What a fairy tale story. It's just like the mormons preach it.

The Amber Show

Last night's Bad Girls Club combined a little bit of everything there is to love about the show. The other girls now absolutely HATE the Ambers, mostly because they're better looking. Amber called Ailea a gold digger and she flipped shit, because she's more of a psychotic whore than other 21 year old girls out there, which says a TON. Amber M. basically threw Amber B. under the bus when confronted by Tiff about talking shit behind the other girls' backs. The "Fab 5" (OK, any group of girls who gives themselves a team name and mascot or whatever needs to be shot in the face. And I DONT mean with semen.) ganged up on Amber B. and "lines are drawn" according to that ugly one who calls herself the city she came from. The uglies then took all of Amber B.'s panties, bras, and clothes and threw them on the roof and strung them between the house and a tree. Amber cried. She still looked cuter than the other girls (ok, one minor complaint about the show...they always show them looking like shit with no make up or barely showered or whatever). The gals then went for their Oxygen official photo shoot for all of their marketing for the show. They were all in nice dresses with their tits hanging out. It was decent. We also saw perhaps the greatest in-show text message vote I've ever seen, asking the faithful viewers what they feel Ailea should do about her two men - Kevin the bald, grey, rich 40 year old, and Fadoodle, a young, "hip" - more like d-bag - boy from the club...

What will Ailea do about Kevin and Fadoodle? Text 1 if you think Kevin will go from her bf to her baby daddy, or text 2 if you think she will 'bounce up on it' with a younger man

It's true, this show IS about giving these girls a chance to better themselves.

To end the show, the girls all got in a bar fight with a couple of emo babes after the emo's were overheard talking about Ashley's boobs probably being fake in the bathroom stall (the emo girls probably learn fighting skills because they are forced to take over the masculine role in their relationships). Aw HEEEEELLLLLLL NAW. Tiff is built like a damn linebacker, she fucks shit up in those scrums. I wish they would show her take on 3 chicks, no bouncers breaking it up.

The Greatest Office Prank, like, everrrr

There are two types of mice out there...ones that can hang with me, and ones that are scared ERR the ones with the ball on the bottom, and optical mice with the red light sensor. It was my work friend's, we'll call him Daniel, last day. I arrive in the morning with my usual "Comfort Casual" Friday attire - Kessler's on my breath, a hooker's lipstick on my neck, urine on my pants. I'm in no shape for anything cerebral at this point. I logged onto my computer and tried to open a few things up, but my cursor on the screen wouldn't move. I tried unplugging it and plugging it back in. No dice. Tried going through the computer's add/remove hardware wizard. No dice. This went on for 30 minutes. A tad bit frustrated I stood up and stared at my computer with my palms to the ceiling. "What do you want from me!?" Turns out our friend Daniel cut the tiniest square of paper and taped it over the red light sensor of my optical mouse. The mouse never thought it was moving. Dan laughed. I shook his hand. A legend was born. At least I made $7.50 for that half hour of my troubles.

Jo Bros news is the new crack

My girl Taylor has Swift-ly made herself into a pop superstar. I'm not thrilled but whatever. She was much cuter when she was the darkhorse country singer in the "Our Song" video. When you couldn't tell she was 7 feet tall. But still. This marks her 10th consecutive week with the #1 album in the land, "Fearless."

In other pop news, Nick Jonas might be single, but dad Kevin Sr. mentioned to MTV that he thinks he'll get married first. AAAnd MTV made a story out of it...

With Joe dating Camilla Belle and Kevin dating hometown love Danielle, all the reporters at the red-carpet premiere of “Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience” wanted to know: Which JoBro will walk down the aisle first?

Even though Nick admitted to being “single” on the carpet, dad Kevin Sr. thought he might be the one to take the plunge first. “He is the most driven, focused of the three,” he said of Nick. “I don’t really know who will get married first — maybe Frankie.”

Frankie is their 8 year old brother, but you already knew that of course. But WOW MTV, nice story. The Jo Bros tour with basically their whole family, with mom dad and whoever else always by their side. Isn't that the biggest cock block ever? You're fcking stars boys, you should never tell anyone that you aren't single, and your dick should be wet 24/7. I'm not naive to think they don't get any, but wow.

It's Britney, bitch!

The folks at the San Francisco Chronicle are reporting that Britney Spears is going to get sawed in half during her shows on tour. Do they know that it's just an illusion? Because I'm pretty sure it sounds like they think she is going to be physically sawed in half. That is my second favorite magic trick, behind the one when the girl makes my penis disappear.

Milk is a gay movie

As if they weren't enough of a headache in the world today, Reuters finds the need to "report" that the movie has given young gays a renewed sense of activism. Ugh. That's the last thing this struggling country needs. Not to be preachy, but if a man can have consentual sex with another man, then why can't I have sex with a consenting 17 year old coed? Blastphemous.

And now to cleanse your palate...more Megan Fox!

O M effing G

She said "S on my chest," so I did it. You'd have made the same mistake.
Mega. Fox. Just click this. She's now single! You'll thank me. To be fair, very NSFW

The REAL prized Oscar

Anyone with the sack to just stand there with your hand down your pants on the red carpet is a winner in my book. Mickey Rourke may have gotten hosed for best actor (because everyone who has the 'courage' to do a film about gay 'rights' is just a brilliant artist and to act as a gay man is just brilliant acting) but he's still taking home the best looking, most fulfilling Oscar of the night...

The Academy Award-nominated star, who recently lost his beloved dog Loki, says he's getting a new Chihuahua this week and he's going to name it Oscar.

"Mickey has other dogs but he misses Loki terribly," a friend of the star tells RadarOnline.com. "He doesn't want to wait long either - he wants to get his new pooch this week."

On Saturday night Mickey took home the Independent Spirit Award and in his colorful acceptance speech he dedicated his win to Loki, saying, "This is for you, baby!"

La Femme Nicky-ta

For how over the top annoying Paris Hilton is (I didn't say terrible looking, but hotter image than reality), I'd much rather have little sis Nicky. And by have, I mean take her out somewhere fancy to eat, like an IHOP. Treat her like a lady. Oh, what? You don't think Nicky Hilton would be caught dead at an IHOP? I beg to differ...

Access Hollywood has learned Hilton was leaving the International House of Pancakes on Santa Monica Blvd. in West Hollywood, Calif., just before 5 a.m. on Saturday when Michael Broadhurst, 50, allegedly pushed her from behind.
While she wasn’t robbed or hurt, Hilton was extremely upset, authorities told Access.
A sheriff’s deputy inside the restaurant came out to check on what he referred to as a “commotion” and found Hilton placing the man under a “private person’s arrest.”

Soooo let's list the pro's and con's for Nicky Hilton...
Pros: Rich hotel heiress, will throw down with 50 year old men who cause a disruption, will eat at IHOP, rich, skinny, a cheetah in bed prolly
Cons: Little tits and that sister Paris.

Whatever... I choose you, Nicky! Today's your day!

Oscars?

Someone said to me "hey, Oscar's tonight? What do you think?" yesterday and I got sooo excited. I said aw hellz yeah, I haven't had a raspberry shake since that hooker and I got lost in New Berlin last Valentine's Day. Turns out he was talking about the complete opposite of a nice ice cream treat... the fucking Academy Awards. The Oscars is when a bunch of girls make themselves either look real ugly or real hot, and dudes who had no friends as children because they're so queer get to strut around with them and have their toes fondled because they had the "brilliance" to pretend to be someone they're not. "Scoreboard" though, I guess.

Anyway, the best things that happened were that Slumdog Millionaire won best picture, V. Hudgens showed some leg while making a little song and dance cameo, and Mickey Rourke took part in any capacity. Slumdog and The Reader are the only best picture nominees that I had seen, and The Reader, of course, is garbage.

And now something sweet to get our minds back on track...