Blood on the dance floor

Spotted: Unemployed 23 year old takes on Sin City. Brilliant. What happens in Vegas st-.. gets posted on the internet for the world to see...

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Unlike my previous trip, gambling was done on our time in between destinations...it wasn't THE DESTINATION. Finished up about $50 as opposed to down $2.7 million. I was up quite a bit until a darling little blonde with a thick southern accent was sitting alone at a Mississippi Stud table. What the fck is Mississippi Stud? I'm a sucker. Oh well.
My only 2 sports bets were winners, Oklahoma State over Georgia and Heisman hopeful Greg Paulus and co. covering 7 against Minnesota. Would love to have followed through on a BYU national championship bet that crossed my mind at 80 to 1 (They just beat Oklahoma, and if they run the table, they will have beaten TCU, Utah and Florida State. That's enough in my mind to let them play for the BCS title, that's a better schedule than the Badgers play).

Spent a ton of time by the pool. Needless to say, I remain tan and jacked.

The bars - and we'll call them bars so that I don't have to wince everytime I type 'club' - at The Palms were awesome. Ghostbar has an outdoor DJ/dance area and outdoor bar on a balcony 55 floors up. The Palms is the perfect distance off of the strip that when you look out, the entire strip is in your view...and we had to be douche tourists and sit and snap camera phone pictures for 10 minutes...oh well, sorry for partying. Hoping to catch Lindsay Lohan blowing off some dyke relationship steam, we hit up Moon - more of a danceclub, *cringe*, but was real fun, the retractable roof was open. The best part of the night came in the form of B-positive... BLOODY NOSE ON THE DANCEFLOOR, uh-oh. Me and the trashiest drunk girl in the place (zing) were escorted to the kitchen by a man in a black suit. When we were greeted by 12 of these black suit-ed men in the kitchen, I put on my best innocent card counter act, pleading that they don't beat me up. 3 laughed, 2 were visibly annoyed, and the rest were impartial. One of the angry ones wanted to walk us out and go in the service elevator with us... kinda sketch, so I kept a fist (or whatever it is I have on the end of my arm) balled up in case.
On night 3, we headed to see an 80's cover band called Steel Panther. Funniest concert I've ever seen, there's a sign outside saying how 'the show is vulgar so beware'.


After Steel Panther, being the club-hoppers that we are, we hit up Jet at The Mirage. In my head, I was tearing it up on the dance floor with a girl who looked like Khloe Kardashian...more accurate description would probably be that I was stumbling in circles, dancing with a wearwolf of a woman, spilling my drink on everyone, and doing my go-to move every other measure of the song. I've drawn out my go-to move below. I'm a regular Kevin Federline.



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You try to do something nice for a change and it gets thrown back in your face. On my way out the door, I grabbed my ipod for the plane ride, then said 'you know, it would be polite to just talk with the guys on the plane instead of shut them off and throw in my headphones.' That gesture went unreciprocated. Pure hell, especially on the way back. Couldn't sleep, no music, no magazine, cloudy conditions so I couldn't watch out the window.

The night at Jet was fun, HOWEVER... I was informed that Shwayze was going to be at Jet to perform. It was perfect, we saw Steel Panther and they ended at 1:30. The club promoter told us Shwayze went on at 1/1:30 "so that everyone can get in and have a few drinks before he starts." We get there and find ourselves paying a $50 cover only because he's there. Jet is a touch upscale and I wouldn't have gone out of my way to go to the Mirage to go to Jet if I wasn't going to see Shwayze. When he wasn't on when we walked in, I just figured "oh those LA guys, probably doing some drugs in the back, going to be fashionably late, I get it." I ask the wearwolf if Shwayze went on already and she goes "oh the black guy?"... ummm what? If Obama walked through that door would you ask "oh the black guy?" If the Pope walked through that door would you ask "oh the old guy?" Cunt. I should have spilled a drink on her. On purpose this time. The answer was yes, the black guy named Shwayze was already done. I'm still fuming about not seeing him, thanks you fcking dope promoter fag.

Drinks were $12 at Palms and $15 at Jet. Ouch.

I was supposed to have the sweetest male swimwear at the pool - a pair of light seafoam green short dad trunks, the kind with the net liner. It took 5 seconds to squash that idea. Right when we walk out, a 50 year old dude with leathery tan skin, and salt and pepper chest hair shows me who's boss with an orange and pink speedo. There was a water slide there too that flew you down it at all of 7 mph...disappointing.


Eh
I'm torn between being insulted and extremely confident about the number of hookers I was approached by. On one hand, who can resist these high cheek bones and villuptuous (spelling? a word even?) curves. On the other, what, are they like "wow look at that poor sap, this will be like stealing candy from a baby." One at Moon was like "hey! I really think we should get out of here and have some real fun in your room" so in my head I'm thinking 'wow, this chick is DOWN! wait...'
"free fun, right?"
"Pff, no."
I got smart on them, though, and only carried a few bucks with me at the end of the night. Then when they asked, I said "well I've got $8, let's do this!" They followed with a brush of my arm and a "goodnight, sweetie." She called me sweetie...she DOES love me!!!

I'm writing this at 7:30am, can't fall asleep, still on vegas time, and, peering out into the horizon of the next few weeks, don't see anything that will require a specific wake-up or bedtime. I see a 9am to 5pm sleep schedule for quite some time. Nice little nocturnal lifestyle. Maybe I'll get a hold of that wearwolf from Jet, they're nocturnal too.

Miss Universe? Psh, you don't know that for sure

Thank God I DVR'ed Merlin because it got bumped up an hour for something called the Miss Universe Pageant(?) never heard of it. Random thought: I'm calling by year 2100, a really hot alien will take the crown and sash. Jackie Robinson, who?!?!

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Helllooo Miss Australia!! Miss Iceland finishes second on my ballot (not into blondes, but she seems like a real nice girl, you know). And hilarious "Miss Congeniality" and "Miss Photogenic" awards, aka participation ribbons, given to Miss China and Miss Thailand - neither of which made even the first cut. Better luck next year, Asia.

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Heidi Montag's song and dance performance... YIKES. The special olympics dancers think you should get back in the studio and refine your moves. Clearly lip synching, also. Adding to the C-list feel of the night, Flo Rida and Kelly Rowland performed, and Dean Cain got to be a judge along with a line of other nobodys (only one I'd heard of was George Maloof). WTF.

Also, Miss Australia got robbed, I think her question is where she lost it... POISE COUNTS!!!!!

Eh
Miss USA... underwhelming. Since this is a US based program, run by Donald Trump, shouldn't we rig it for us to win every year? Can't we at least put our best foot forward instead of Jane the farmer? I'm sick of this uncompetitive bullshit. What's next, team Belgium running up the score on team USA in football? I should be appointed head of the US Pageant Committee, like the US Olympic Committee, to make sure this kind of thing doesn't happen again. She's still hot though. Call me!

The hardest part of breaking up, is getting back your stuff

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The Bush and The Tush split up. This means 1. We get to see Reggie play the field with middle age poor girls in New Orleans, ERR, 20 year old USC girls. 2. Hopefully Kim Kardashian hits the gym, loses 15 lbs and takes another stab at Playboy or something of the like. And 3. Possible fantasy football relevance/consistency for Reggie. I smell a break out year.
Also, our boy Joe Jonas and the cutie below split up. She's older than him, so the whole 'no sex' thing probably got old for her. I wonder if that's the same for girls as when a 16 year old guy can't get his girl past a hand job. Step your game up, son. (note that this is the best picture of her on Google. Can someone offer her at least a bikini spread please?)


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Leave it to the New York Times to report on the Network Responsibility Index compiled by the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation, which analyzes the amount of prime-time television hours that feature gay, bisexual and transgender characters
Um, helllloooooo, fags, dykes and trannies are lesser human beings, it's science. Are they honestly asking for equal air time for those characters? I hope not but these are not rational people so who knows.

Eh
Am I still watching Real World? You bet, and the current season, filmed in Cancun, is infinitely better than dreary gay Brooklyn was. As a unit, the cast is just ok. The shining star is Joey, a skinny blonde rocker dude with tats and a lip ring. The house cunt, Ayiiia, cut her wrists in the bathroom and everyone was fooled into thinking that cutting is a serious emotional problem. But not Joey, he saw right through it. He even went up to her and asked if he could borrow her knife. Ha, hilarious. As for the tail, theres a tiny little black girl whose name escapes me, and an alternative girl named Jonna. Previously mentioned Ayiiia is probably technically the hottest one. Her body is real nice, but she probably has the same dentist as Michael Strahan. I could kick a 40 yard field goal through that gap. Since I have such awful taste in women, I like Emilee the best. There's nothing really even great about her. Sometimes she looks like a dog, even, but sometimes when she's all dolled up she looks real good. I prefer to just remember those moments. But since none of them are worthy of Googling, it's Miranda Kerr!!!11!

You know you love me. xoxo...

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Spotted: T spends every waking minute watching episodes of Gossip Girl over a long weekend. When T's father walks by, T hits pause and minimizes the window, though. Was it the greatest show T has ever seen? Probably. Is Blair Waldorf (Leighton Meester) the object of his affection? Yes. Does the fact that Serena Van Der Woodsen (Blake Lively), a. has too long and stereotypically rich of a last name, and b. talk and act like Jen Anniston could be playing her character 15 years ago, get in the way of T emotionally liking her? Absolutely. But does T's P really care? No. You know you love me...xoxo, Gossip Girl.

Just watch the show. You want to do it. You should do it. The girls are so sexy, and the "resident bad boy", Chuck Bass, is the man. They say his character is loosely based on the life of the author of this blog. Chuck is the richest kid there, and does everything to rebel against his father. So basically the most original character ever right? But still, he just looks like a villain. He's always getting drunk, always banging someone, always wearing suits, sometimes bowties, and always has his hair slicked back. Plus he bangs Leighton Meester.


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A little math...
Season 1: 18 episodes x 40 mins each = 12 hours
Season 2: 25 episodes x 40 mins each = 16.7 hours

Between 4:30 am Thursday and 4:30 am Monday, I've watched 28.7 hours of Gossip Girl...and loved every second of it. And I'm a guy. I think I need to watch 12 hours of ESPN and 12 hours of girl-on-girl porn to make up for this. Except, if I have to watch 12 hours of Sportscenter, I'm going to be joining Michael Jackson and Billy Mays. Show sucks. Unbearable. The talentless turds that they have for anchors now make me cringe at every attempted joke. And since it's summer, it's "Who's Now?" and "My Wish" season. Terrible.


Eh
They said in the news that a legend has passed away, so I'm here to let you know I'm still alive, don't worry!
Too soon probably, hey?...

whats the difference between micheal jackon and a playstation ? there isnt a difference, they both get turned on by kids and there both made of plastic.

Over his life time MJ visited many countries and touched many people, its just a shame that 80% of them were under 7 years old....

Michael Jackson has cancelled all upcoming dates. One is Thomas aged 9. Another is Dylan aged 6.

Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out Boyz 2 Men was a music group and not a delivery service.

Talented Feet?

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GOSSIP GIRL...and more specifically Leighton Meester. While Jessica Biel struggles to disassociate herself with 7th Heaven, Leighton's swinging for the fences. In case you've been hiding under a rock (read: "don't search 'gossip girl' in google news"), Leighton Meester (the brunette from Gossip Girl) made a sex tape a few years ago and "her ex boyfriend" now sold it to a website. Leighton is a BEAUTIFUL girl. Absolutely gorgeous. Tisdale gorgeous. Oh yeah, and she also gives the guy a 'footjob' in the video. No joke. You should see the gears turning in my head.

To completely one-up Paris Hilton, along with a sex tape, she's also featured on a song ironicly titled "Good Girls Go Bad" with the band Cobra Starship that Ryan Seacrest tabbed "possibly the song of this summer" (not that I believe what Lucky Pierre nerds think, I actually listened to it, it's not bad).

To completely one-up everybody, Leighton and Blake Lively took part in possibly the hottest photo shoot ever for Rolling Stone. Except the iffy thing is that 2 girls 1 cup crossed my mind when I saw them attacking that ice cream cone. Then I remembered Leighton hates ice cream so we had to paint my dick bright green during the shoot and photoshop in the cone later. Things have a way of working out in the end.







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Post-game scissoring coming to a 15% filled arena near you...It's now WNBA season. Yuck.


Eh
Look at my (former) roomate, he's a regular Gilbert Godfrey

The Climb

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Me. The Make A Wish Foundation camera crew was close behind when four area men descended upon Hoover, AL's Buccaneer Stadium for some field goal kicking and touchdown catching. I hit a fukcing 40 yard field goal. Barefoot. At Hoover. That's like shooting an armed redneck at Gettysburg after they've stolen Ashley Tisdale's purse.
I'm also a pretty big deal in the Nashville area and the south in general. Trace this, Trace that, everywhere. Neighborhoods, streets, trail mixes, bike stores all with Trace in the name. How player is that? One very satisfied woman told us "you can ride the Trace all the way to the Mississippi River, it's a pretty fun ride." Pretty fun ride, indeed...ma'am.

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The award for worst state in the Union goes to Illinois for it's "breathtaking" scenery, and lack of ability to uniquely name it's cities. Mix in a foothill or two, or something to sled on, anything. 7th grade girls push their boobs together and push them up when they have flat chests, take a page out of their book. As for the cities, I think they just don't have time and resources to do anything but throw a dart at a US map when they need to name one. 98% of their resources go to Chicago, they don't have anything left to pay anyone with wild creativity ERR a 3rd grader to come up with something other than Nashville or Decatur. They do have something to hang their hat on, though...Metropolis - aka a trailer park full of comic book nerds built around a shrine to Superman.

Eh
As in I'm undecided on whether this was the funniest thing ever or I was just tired, or high on meth or something. We made a gas station stop somewhere in Tennessee at a Love's. After I filled my fountain drink, I see a nice display of dvd's with a sign above "Action Movies...For Dad." Then an Orange Chicago Bears jersey with #23 Devin Hester on the front and back...but number 6 on the left sleeve, and abosolutely nothing, blank, on the right sleeve. Then some plain white button down baseball jerseys. "I Love's this jersey!" ha get it, we were at a Love's gas station. Right? Yeah I think it's the meth.

Bush

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The women's softball college world series...so tight. Specifically, Ms. Megan Bush, shortstop for the lady Gators. (Google images...all they have are her team roster bio pic and a pic of a dirty girl getting fucked with the caption "Check out Megan's Bush!") I'm a sucker for white pants and blonde pony tails anyway, but when she grabs an Easton and parks one half way up the bleachers to win a game, I get a little white in the pants as well. The Gators are a pretty good looking team all around. Not '06/'07 Arizona Wildcats hot, but a good looking group none the less.

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95% of the girls on the other teams. I think there's a quota of one hot girl per team, Florida just chooses to pay whatever the penalty is, sort of like the luxury tax in the NBA. Even when I see one who looks like they have potential, one camera close up later, I'm back to 6:00.

Eh
Remembering that you're watching women's softball and fantasizing about rug munching D1 women's athletes. They cut to a camera man back by the makeshift locker room tents where a few Alabama players were sitting in a kiddie pool between games. They looked irritated, almost like the camera man was interrupting something. I have no idea what that something could be - I just know that lesbians aren't the most sexually conservative people around. I've been told by a bitter ex-girlfriend that I'm "the kind of guy that makes a girl change her sexuality," so hey, let the big dog eat!

Speaking of Arizona softball players...

Do you ever yearn?

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I decided that girls can be scored based on your behavior pre and post climax...
Pull out early then handy to finish - she's pro-life and not a looker.
The Just-in-time Pull Out - default
The woops! 1/4 in, 3/4 out pull out - if it happens, it benefits me
and The sucks-to-be-you,-nerd non-pull out - vacations, other states after you've used a fake name, hometown and back story

Marko Jaric of the Timberwolves...Knocked up Adriana Lima, well done sir.
LeBron James...Knocked up his high school gf. Woops, you're the biggest star in pro sports but no models for you. (yeah right, fidelity is blacked out in the Webster's Official Pro Athletes' Dictionary)
This is a huge stretch and makes no sense, but when you're a zombie at the wheel for 5 hours, you come up with some genius shit. Putting a good spin on Marko Jaric doing anything exerts too much energy. Adriana's probably kicking herself... that or at some underground science lab making sure this baby gets her gorgeous genes not his douchy ones.


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Adam Lambert has some fresh, great new ideas for his debut album.

The musical mix will include...more emotional songs that "appeal to people that are going through a hard time or don't believe in themselves," he said.
"I want to communicate the liberation that is being comfortable in your own skin and that is being your own person," said Lambert, who has largely kept his personal life under wraps. "And the spirit of being different, and how strong that can make you feel."
Any dream collaborators?
"Madonna would be amazing," he gushes. "I'd love to work with Madonna — I think she's a genius.

Few things, Adam...I don't believe mixing Emo music with the cassette tape my mom got me after my dad called me a fat little girl in second grade constitutes a new genre.
Madonna and genius have only been used together in sentences like "It would be genius to come up with a way to eliminate that bitch, Madonna." "Gushing" about Madonna can only mean one thing...hint: it isn't that you're heterosexual.


Eh
My homie, Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers has been spotted canoodling with Lady Antebellum front-...lady Hillary Scott in Vegas. Pretty cute girl. Since I've only seen head shots of her, I used my Google images lifeline and WOW - naked blondes, my penis, threesomes ALLL OVER THE PAGE. Turns out there's a porn star with the same name - Hillary Scott. And yeah, I have SafeSearch turned off in my preferences, don't judge. Basically Aaron's got himself an original jelly bean - she was great until I tried the Starburst jelly bean and had an instant errection from the rush of sugary flavor. Have I gone back to an original jelly bean in the last 10 years... of course not. Can I sit and say wow Lady A singer is stunningly hot... not without thinking of the alternative. But she's still a looker.

Pulling out is for boyfriends

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THIS...is aaMERican Idol! Idol Season 8 ended with a bang - 2 hrs of performances by the top 13 and collaborations of Idols and actual music stars. Danny Gokey is by far the best of the Idols. That raspy voice is so bad ass. He probably gained tons of votes as a result of his backstory - church music director, youth center volunteer, wife tragically dies during heart surgery a month before tryouts for the competition. Fat middle age women eat that shit up. I wish he had some edge to him, though - a few stints in juvy, a coke problem, anything. He's too nice. The question is how long does he have to grieve the wife? Did you see all those girls screaming his name on there? You think girls have any hesitation about hooking up with celebs, let alone ones who sing on the highest rated (or close, whatever) show on tv? Guy could be with a new 20 year old every night on tour. Insensitive? That's what they said when I dumped my ex after that car accident. You say "body cast" I say "cockblock." Dude got to meet ASHLEY FUKCING TISDALE - this was in Milwaukee Magazine (that powerhouse celebrity news giant)...

"I was freaking out," Tisdale told MTV of her encounter with (Gokey). "I waited for Danny Gokey to come out of the bathroom, and he was, like, freaking out." A whole lotta freaking out going on."

Wow Danny you're my...IDOL, I guess? Except I would have grabbed her by the hair and brought her in there with me.


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That fag Adam Lambert was at it again last night. He could be the biggest star to come from Idol this season, let alone ever, but if I ever hear that clown do his gay screaming high note with the tongue out bullshit, I'm shaving his head and hiding his mascara. Give it a rest, guy. I am convinced that he lost because of that.


Eh
Jason Mraz ERR Jack Johnson ERR Ben Harper ERR Tyler and Andy ERR Kris Allen upset Adam Lambert to win Idol 8. Kris was pretty good though, he took his songs and made them completely different, which was interesting. What isn't interesting is how he was basically the same as every other douche bag who sits on a stool with his acoustic guitar and sings soft stuff. Speaking of stool, and speaking of Tisdale...I'm overdue for a blumkin.

This needs sharing

There may be 2 million hollywood gossip blogs online, but WWTDD.com is by far the funniest. I'm sitting in the living room with my parents, ERRR roomates having a serious discussion and burst into laughter every few minutes at shit like this...

I don’t know if it’s “cool” to like Eminem anymore but I think he’s fuckin great. I don’t have the time or money to chase every trend anymore. It feels like, as soon as I catch up, the cool kids have moved on to something else. Luckily my closet full of Big Dog muscle shirts and Zubaz pants are more of a timeless look and not just some passing fad.

Katelyn Zeller?

Wow, does Tyler Zeller (North Carolina hoops #44) look like Katelyn, the tranny, from The Real World. I texted this thought to a friend and his response was "yeah his brother is luke zeller from notre dame, then the sister ERRR sibling is Katelyn." Thinking he did some google research to find this out, I was going nuts. It's not really true but would you immediately disregard it if someone told you? No, you wouldn't. Staying with Katelyn, how bad do you feel for the guy she hooked up with during the season? His name is Rayne and he's a drummer for a band out there. If it wasn't bad enough that they said his name on the air, they also showed him drumming. So, for the slight chance that someone might know multiple people with the name Rayne, the mystery of "which one?" was solved for you. Poor guy, to say the least.

B-B-B-Bad Girls

(Late) Thoughts from the BGC reunion...

God I fucking hate Ashley. She wasn't even cast on the show until someone had to leave. It's like she goes out of her way to prove she's a badass bitch. No, no, sweetheart, you're just a cunt who's trying to make a name for herself through reality tv. Ugh, like, soooo unoriginal.

Cookie got some highlights and put on some makeup, and looks real good. She cements herself as my number 1 cast member.

Ailea is probably the most sane of the girls on this reunion show. She says she's going to school and all this warm cheery stuff like she changed into a good person because of the show. Makes me sick - quit lying.

Whitney was never attractive but tonight...woof.

I'm starting to see why I'm the only one who was nuts about Amber B. She's falling down my rankings with a cinder block chained to her foot.

Purity, Shmurity

SO today I watched a True Hollywood Story on "young hollywood" but basically only caught the part on the Jonas Brothers. I guess they all have little promise rings or purity rings saying that they're going to wait until marriage to stay true to themselves. What the fuck ever... you're too young to realize your foolishness. I know they have their "strong family support" and squeaky clean image, but they are near the top of my list for stars who will definately take a 180 about 5 years down the road. One day they'll wake up and realize "hey...we're kinda like the biggest thing going right now with teenage girls, what are we waiting for?!" We're going to see Joe Jonas with a shaved head and K-Fed beard talking about his ecstasy problems and std's, and the youngest one with a full beard talking about drinking so much his diabetes went wacko and he should be dead. 6-5 odds this happens.

Random thoughts on the past week.

Been a while but I'm back, baby! Spent the week in Guatemala rebuilding an orphanage. Good times, hot weather... no hot babes. Speaking of hot babes, since you brought it up, the dark hair has officially grown on me and Tisdale is out of the doghouse. Don't make me regret publishing that, Ash, by doing another dud like the Cosmo cover.

Can you believe the nerve of Whit Port? The coolest guy of all the post-Laguna shows tells you he loves you, and you blow him off. Wait, so you're single?

The Amber show was a hit- ERR complete dud. Not exactly entertaining, incredibly contrived. Amber M. holds steady in the top spot of my power rankings, but Amber B is losing ground with each passing week.

Holy shit there's a Motts Apple Juice commercial with the red head from Desperate Housewives and wow do I want to bend her over. Right in front of those two kids on there, I don't care. Red heads are incredibly polarizing even within one's own taste. I either want to sexually impale them or toss them in a wood chipper.

Great new show to fill the void of a Sunday night - Tough Love on VH1. Keeping with VH1's style of slanting towards trashy, Tough Love can be described as Rock of Love meets Millionaire Matchmaker. 8 girls live in a mansion to get coached by one of the country's top matchmakers (we're told)...and he's a dude. The guy gives them the blunt truth of what guy's are thinking about everything they do. There's some characters, and some not so exciting ones as well, but the guy's pretty funny so it's worth watching.

BGC finale tonight, and it looks like they completely fck the place up before they leave. A few last minute fights? hookups? Will the girls leave each other with hugs and hand pounds? or slaps and hair pulls?

Trey Wingo's fall from grace

I was going to take a crack at a running diary of the women's NCAA tourney selection show. I lasted 45 seconds before I decided I'd rather tie a 25 pound weight around my ear and drop it repeatedly. Seeing Trey Wingo host the show was disapointing. Trey hosts shows about relevant stuff such as the NFL...not this. It's like seeing a formerly successful friend begging for change on your walk to lunch. Anyway, the speculation and analysis from the two broads on the set was incredible... "Can ANYONE beat UCONN this year?" "Well I think it would take a team who has a great point guard to match up with (whoever) and a great shooting guard to match up with (whoever) and a great center, small forward and power forward to match up with (whoever), then I think you might have a shot." Earth-shattering insight. This is what ESPN has to offer for prime time television? I'd rather watch a special ed class make rock candy.

Tisdale getting sexier?

“It’s edgy. It’s an album to rock out to. It’s definitely sexier. I have a sexy side to me, but it’s more of a fun sexy. Sure, I’m a nice girl, but there’s also a part of me that wants to be rebellious.”

...That's Tisdale's description of her soon to be released album, Guilty Pleasure. I sure hope that's the case because her previous album, Headstrong, not only has pitiful album artwork, but the music is the same "ugh get these paparazzi away! Ugh, now that I'm in front of the camera and bright lights, life's sooo haard!" B.S. that I would expect from a talentless skeleton like Lindsay Lohan.

Tis is also going to be on the cover of Cosmo. Not that I've ever read the magazine, but I hear it's a really popular one and that it says alot about your current stardom if you can land the cover. If we start spelling Cosmo, P-L-A-Y-B-O-Y, then I'll be excited. Plus she has her dark hair for it anyway.

Also, word on the street is she DID in fact dye her hair...to something described as "honey." That's like when you're 22 years old, ERRR 9 years old, and you mom tells you to clean up your room, so you kick all the clothes to the corners and under the bed so that you can see the floor. I'm all for brunettes as long as they're tan. So tan your skin, or bring back the platinum blonde - don't "tan" your hair.

UPDATE: K, that was a really old picture, but I like my analogy so the paragraph stays - false info or not.

looks ghostly on this cover, but better on the red carpet...

UPDATE: Forget "better on the red carpet", she looks fantastic. Keep the hair flat and skin tan and we're golden, Tis.

MJ's new borricua

Michael Jordan lost toooonnnnnns of dinero to his wife in their divorce ($168 million to be exact, the largest celebrity divorce settlement in history), and the new lady is paying for it, I guess. Michael and new cuban girlfriend, Yvette Prieto, bought a measley 5,500 square foot villa in Miami together. Prieto filed for chapter 7 bankruptcy in '02, so don't fault him for being a little gunshy to share his assets this time around. Cubans are freaky little girls. All that communism and wierd shit going on in their native land, when they defect to America they are like a rodeo bull getting released from it's cage. Just don't knock her up and have to owe her money too, Mike. Actually, there are rumors that they're getting married soon, but I don't believe any of the things I read on the internet.

Aaaaand that's the way the cookie crumbles...

A non-timestamped running diary of tonights Bad Girls Club...
This epi is called "The Cookie Crumbles"...hil. Amber M. (nickname is Cookie, but you know that...or else you're gay) got her ass wooped. By her 3 roomates. Tiff, Boston and Ailea all grabbed her hair and hit her and kicked her in the face while she was down. Craaaazy shit. Sign of a dream vacation - you're on a free trip to Cancun, no doubt getting your drinks and everything else comped, and you get in a brawl...with the people you came with.

Boston is going off about how 'you don't eva hit someone with ya shoe. In Bah-stin we hit with oua fists. You don't hit with a shoe.' while they show a montage of her hitting with a shoe and talking about hitting with shoes or shoving them up someone's ass on earlier episodes. Classy. While she brings nothing to the table in terms of looks, and causes me headaches when she talks, she still brings it in the unintentional comedy arena.

The (Fake) Five are sitting around their suite feeling victorious. Ailea shouts "hey but if anyone ever gets in my girls' faces, you better believe I'm right there next to them!!" Wow, I wasn't aware anyone over the age of 19 still said that.

Damn, Amber M. looks hiddeous. The next morning after being nearly blacked out drunk, dancing (sweating) up storm, and getting her ass whipped, I'm not proud to have woken up next to her. She's a mess.

The police show up at their hotel to question them. Throw them in Mexican jail! Not surprisingly, Ailea lies to them "Oooh, I'm not sure what all happened, they both grabbed each other and then when they let go everyone was spread all over and I have no clue what happened." Shut up.

Yes, they're questioning Boston, she's going to jail!! "Maaan, jail is definately not like this in Bah-stin." You piece of shit, now make my license plates! They do that in jail right? Well, not in Fort Myers.

OK, now she's not going to jail...but she can talk all she wants about Bah-stin now, because she's going back there.

Ugh. Ailea is crying and looks especially disgusting. She says "I don't have many friends, and now that I have a friend, she's going home (sob)." God, shut up. Not the sharpest tool either, she just admitted to also kicking Cookie. Cookie wants her gone. Might happen. GASP! STAY TUNED!

Tiff's actually an interesting character. She's tough as hell, could tell me she plays Arena Football and I'd believe her, beats girls up at the clubs...but is the only one not being a total c-word towards Amber M. When Ailea and the other ones start going nuts behind Amber's back, she's there to put them in their place.

HA - They showed the Ambers taking a shot, and Amber B. plugged her nose when she took it. They were panning away from her to show a close up of Amber M., but you could still see it if you have eagle eye vision like me. I've seen 8 year olds plug their nose during swimming lessons, but never a girl at a bar.

HA - Sarah: "Is it bad I just did Noah(her dude in LA)'s high five after I (bleep)ed a Mexican?"
Ashley: "Who cares you used a condom, it doesn't count."
...Move Ashley up a rung on my ladder!

Tight..."Next week on- THE AMBER SHOW!" The Ambers host the show to show some of the footage we didn't get to see from other episodes, and it looks like hit the town with a camera and microphone. Can't wait.

Weekly BGC power rankings...
1. Amber M. - takes a licking. Gives one too? Where's my phone...
2. Tiff - Solid showing this week bumps her waay up to the 2 spot. Showed some balls, if that's a good thing.
3. Amber B. - no purse "disasters" this week. Stayed out of the fray, and continued looking good doing it.
4. Ashley - Killer condom comment. I hope your parents were watching.
5. Boston - You brought me a few laughs. If I don't see you again...keep on...keep trucking.
6. Sarah - Gets the nod over Ailea because, well, Satan would get the nod over Ailea.
7. Ailea - You've come a long way from the first episode...when I said "wow that kiwi girl is fairly cute."

wtf Doug. More importantly WTF TISDALE!

If you don't know who Doug Reinhardt is, you're not alone. He's on The Hills. I watch the damn show and don't know him. Anyway, how'd you like your last three girlfriends to be Lauren Conrad, Amanda Bynes, and Paris Hilton? Tough gig. However, if you have the kind of game to get Amanda Bynes, wtf are you doing with Paris Hilton? She looks like an eagle. There's few ways to trade up from Amanda - Casey Carlson, Ashley Tisdale*, Aly or AJ, and Jessica Alba. That's pretty much the list.

*Dye your hair back or we are not on speaking terms.

How 'bout them Cowboys?

There's no real difference between The Bachelor and Flavor of Love (etc.), except the women have a high school diploma and might make you spend money on them before they sleep with you. I've never seen an episode of The Bachelor, and I have no idea why. The girls are all 10's. If you think "well on Flavor of Love, all the girls just have sex with the guy the whole time anyway, unlike The Bachelor" you're dead wrong. Guaranteed. ABC just happened to stumble on some data that says that stuff doesn't appeal to 18-49 year old women. There's so much in it for the girls the later they hang on that why on earth wouldn't you? Nobody really likes the guy, they're just looking for their break... Melissa, the hot former Cowboys cheerleader who got the final rose, then got dumped on the reuinion show, is parlaying her pity party into a run on Dancing With The Stars to fill in for Access Hollywood host Nancy O'Dell. I may tune in. Probably not. She's a dime, though.

Random 24 thoughts...

Shameless cross-promotion, yes, but a few things about 24...

Watching the earlier seasons after watching a few of these later ones was wierd. Jack Bauer has the skills and abilities of a mere mortal in those early seasons. Now if a 50 foot concrete reinforced steel wall were in Jack's way, he'd use his go go gadget suction cups to climb it, or flap his wings to fly over it. It's ridiculous at times.

"Madam President, woof"...yes, but Madamoiselle Taylor, yow! Hot for an (must be) Ivy league grad. They should have had some of the bullets shoot off parts of her clothes so that her tits and legs were hanging out. Sex sells.

I don't think HD was intended to show you acne scratches from puberty, or the pores on someone's nose and cheeks so vividly. Bauer looks like he's been to hell and back. Oh yeah, he pretty much has.

Agent Moss, aka the coach from Mighty Ducks 3 (the Mark Taylor of the trilogy), is suuuuch a pussy. The show goes out of their way to show the people who follow protocols as pricks, but it's incredible how unlikeable they've made him.

Red Foreman must have gotten sick of being in and out of a job in Point Place and ran for Senate. He's a real douche now, though. He went from being one of the best characters on That 70's Show to being one of the 2 most unlikeable characters on 24. I bet he's down with the terrorists, I have a feeling.

Breaking News, Varsity Blues star Jon Voigt is rumored to be part of today's attack on the White House. Also, the warden (or whatever, I don't even like Shawshank) is moving his way up the ladder and has assumed a role in the President's cabinet. Why not just hire George Costanza and Cosmo Kramer.

Hey Barbie. Hi Ken!!!

I figured it was some bitter middle aged bitch who came up with this but no...some queer, supposedly male delegate in West Virginia is trying to outlaw the sale of Barbie dolls in his state, just before she hits her 50 year birthday, saying it puts unrealistic views of women in young girls' minds. If we're talking about Barbie being unrealistic then they should also ban Ken dolls...talk about unrealistic, I've been looking for men's nude color briefs for 22 years.

Hide the children...

Molestation pro Michael Jackson is making a comeback this July, starting in London. In honor of the Kind of Pop, here's a few treats from the web...

(Genius Neverland Ranch email)


and Castle Correspondent (sort of), Triumph...

via videosift.com

My best friend Leslie says...

Miley Cyrus has done more in her 16 years than I will have done when I turn 35. On top of her hit show, chart topping tunes, and a movie, the bitch wrote a fckin autobiography! Will I buy it? Nope. I learned everything I needed to know in this article from MSNBC...

In the pages of her first book, "Miles to Go," Cyrus tells PEOPLE she hopes that her fans will see "that I'm a real person just like them." "Most of the time you see me smiling — I mean that's how I got my name!...

Before she became Hannah Montana, Cyrus writes, she had to endure daily hazing from bullies in sixth grade, who did everything from stealing her books to locking her in the school bathroom...

Other people she writes about in her book include her first love — whom she only refers to as Prince Charming (Hint: His real name starts with Nick and ends with Jonas)...

And there you have it...the Miley Cyrus story. I will be 0% surprised when Miley has a B. Spears-esque meltdown once she hits the old, washed up age of 20.

'Star' seems a bit generous

Reality TV star Megan Hauserman, from, well...name a reality show on VH1, is suing Sharon Osborn for whoopin her ass. I better post some pictures.

It's official...

In news that should shock nobody, Disney announced High School Musical 4 will be released in 2010.

Disney Channel said in a statement the story would feature a music- and dance-filled love triangle set against cross-town rivalry between fictional high schools in Albuquerque, N.M.

Should we assume Hayden Panettiere has the starring role? Sounds like Bring It On: All or Nothing 2 - The Musical. Yes, I know that was already a sequel. In more news we already knew...

It will introduce a new cast of characters after the fictional "graduation" of the original stars Zac Efron, Vanessa Hudgens and Ashley Tisdale in "High School Musical 3: Senior Year".

Isn't that exactly what spelled the end for the original, and greatest, scripted mindless reality show, Laguna Beach? It's a good day to be a Kristin Cavalieri fan...

Oh hush, Ush.

Usher's getting in Chris Browns business saying he should "show some remorse" about Rihanna instead of riding personal watercraft in Miami. Oh, shut up, you cheated on Chili! says a commenter on MTV's article...

kikibaby15 posted on 03.03.09 at 02:56pmflag
usher should have been remorseful when he cheated on chilli and made on song bout did he think bout how she felt.

kikibaby15 should get the pen15 out of her- woops, family blog. How do we think she felt? Probably not much different from the other members of TLC - not the greatest sex/men/romance lives for those gals. Karma's a bitch, though, I guess, because you're (still) a young(er) star and you have a wife who needed lipo. Your thought process is terribly off.

Ugh, please write her out of the show, or whatever

While treating myself to the E! True Hollywood Story: Home Improvement, a commercial for the new season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians graced the screen...except it immediately showed Khloe whining about how "it's supposed to be the three of us and Kim gets all the deals," or something. God she sucks. Do you think Seacrest ever had the sack to approach Kim and Kris about just going on with the show without Khloe anymore? Forget sack, how about brain? Raise your hand if you know someone who likes, or even doesn't mind Khloe Kardashian...yyyyep. I'm not sure what Bruce Jenner did to have to live with her. He's the man, though. My dad's generation loves Bruce for being the greatest Olympian of their era...I admire him for his son's roll call of girlfriends (below with my girl Kristin), and his incredible patience in putting up with those cu-, err ladies. This is a family blog, I don't care what Google says.

Vanessa Hudgens - an honest woman

I'm not one to encourage a young star like Zac Efron to put a ring on anything. But it's Vanessa Hudgens! Vanessa's mother has been putting some heat on Zac to "make an honest woman of her daughter," and Zac did just that in late January in Japan. Every girls dream - to be proposed to in Japan. It's like Paris...just dirty and you feel taller. Well, I guess he's not gay after all. Also, fantastic phrase from Mrs. Hudgens - make an honest woman of her. Read as "I know you're getting your dick wet, just put a ring on it. Otherwise I'll make you use a condom." Ya, I'd pick the ring too, Zac.

Proper workout attire

This pic has been circulating the net lately of Miley, 16, and her other Prince Charming, Justin Gaston, 20. TMZ posted the pic and asked readers to point out things that were wrong with it. More than a few Chris Hanson references followed. What's great is her outfit - it's almost like they posed for this picture to look like they go out and do non-sexual things with each other. I've seen people work out in jean shorts, but mostly they're the emergency 5th guy playing hoops, or a thief hurdling objects while running from police. I do support the bikini top as the new replacement for the sports bra, though. By the time their tits got saggy from having no support, they'd be too old for anyone to think they're hot anyway.

Tisdale's new whip

My girl Tisdale just bought a Mercedes G Wagon. Pretty badass.

Ashley also talked to The Insider about ending her role in the High School Musical franchise. I know all the little boys and girls will still shit their pants about a High School Musical 4 when it comes out, but ultimately, this will be like Dirty Dancing and Grease. Unless you think real hard or watch an insane amount of low quality movie channels, nobody remembers Grease 2 or Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights. We'll remember the High School Musical franchise as having only 3. Or just won't care and will remember Tis and Vanessa. Anyway, Ash, as well as Zac, Vanessa, and the others, were in tears on the last day of filming and couln't get through some scenes. I think girls crying is probably the most disgusting thing in the world. That hiddeous look and noise, ugh. But I bet Ash looked like an angel.
"Welp, you know what they say...the best way to get over something is to get under me," I told her.
"(sob) What?"
"Nothing. Let's go check out the backseat of that G Wagon."
"Wow, you DO read minds!"

More Octo-mom porn news...

You may want to take a shower after reading this.

That's the gem that FoxNews opened this article with. Apparently what Vivid wants to do with the Octo-mom flicks is have her bang 8 dudes in every film. Vivid CEO Stephen Hirsch...thank you for my entertainment for today. Do you think he kept a straight face through all of this? I sure didn't...

"The number eight is obviously heavily associated with her so we would like to work with that," Vivid’s CEO Stephen Hirsch told Tarts. "But we would really love just to sit down and talk with her and come up with something she feels comfortable with. We want her to be involved with the whole thing from the plot line to the packaging."

..."She’s struggling financially and this is a woman who wants to provide for her kids," Hirsch said. "This way she can hold her head high and not be using taxpayers money to support her family."

Plot line? Hold her head high? ...Gold.

Going to be a little too Vivid for me

THE big porn production company, Vivid Entertainment, has offered Nadya Suleman, the Octo-Mom, or whatever they call her, $1 million and free health and dental care for her and her family if she signs on to do multiple films. The fact that Vivid is the biggest porn company is common knowledge right? Oh, that's news to you? Liar. Really?

Isn't this a twist of irony...She's psychotic and most likely has seen gallons and gallons of semen in her life. Now, to have all of these children, NO SEX WAS INVOLVED. Now, WHEN she signs on with Vivid, she will continue on the rampage that she, probably, was on before she had them. What a fairy tale story. It's just like the mormons preach it.

The Amber Show

Last night's Bad Girls Club combined a little bit of everything there is to love about the show. The other girls now absolutely HATE the Ambers, mostly because they're better looking. Amber called Ailea a gold digger and she flipped shit, because she's more of a psychotic whore than other 21 year old girls out there, which says a TON. Amber M. basically threw Amber B. under the bus when confronted by Tiff about talking shit behind the other girls' backs. The "Fab 5" (OK, any group of girls who gives themselves a team name and mascot or whatever needs to be shot in the face. And I DONT mean with semen.) ganged up on Amber B. and "lines are drawn" according to that ugly one who calls herself the city she came from. The uglies then took all of Amber B.'s panties, bras, and clothes and threw them on the roof and strung them between the house and a tree. Amber cried. She still looked cuter than the other girls (ok, one minor complaint about the show...they always show them looking like shit with no make up or barely showered or whatever). The gals then went for their Oxygen official photo shoot for all of their marketing for the show. They were all in nice dresses with their tits hanging out. It was decent. We also saw perhaps the greatest in-show text message vote I've ever seen, asking the faithful viewers what they feel Ailea should do about her two men - Kevin the bald, grey, rich 40 year old, and Fadoodle, a young, "hip" - more like d-bag - boy from the club...

What will Ailea do about Kevin and Fadoodle? Text 1 if you think Kevin will go from her bf to her baby daddy, or text 2 if you think she will 'bounce up on it' with a younger man

It's true, this show IS about giving these girls a chance to better themselves.

To end the show, the girls all got in a bar fight with a couple of emo babes after the emo's were overheard talking about Ashley's boobs probably being fake in the bathroom stall (the emo girls probably learn fighting skills because they are forced to take over the masculine role in their relationships). Aw HEEEEELLLLLLL NAW. Tiff is built like a damn linebacker, she fucks shit up in those scrums. I wish they would show her take on 3 chicks, no bouncers breaking it up.

The Greatest Office Prank, like, everrrr

There are two types of mice out there...ones that can hang with me, and ones that are scared ERR the ones with the ball on the bottom, and optical mice with the red light sensor. It was my work friend's, we'll call him Daniel, last day. I arrive in the morning with my usual "Comfort Casual" Friday attire - Kessler's on my breath, a hooker's lipstick on my neck, urine on my pants. I'm in no shape for anything cerebral at this point. I logged onto my computer and tried to open a few things up, but my cursor on the screen wouldn't move. I tried unplugging it and plugging it back in. No dice. Tried going through the computer's add/remove hardware wizard. No dice. This went on for 30 minutes. A tad bit frustrated I stood up and stared at my computer with my palms to the ceiling. "What do you want from me!?" Turns out our friend Daniel cut the tiniest square of paper and taped it over the red light sensor of my optical mouse. The mouse never thought it was moving. Dan laughed. I shook his hand. A legend was born. At least I made $7.50 for that half hour of my troubles.

Jo Bros news is the new crack

My girl Taylor has Swift-ly made herself into a pop superstar. I'm not thrilled but whatever. She was much cuter when she was the darkhorse country singer in the "Our Song" video. When you couldn't tell she was 7 feet tall. But still. This marks her 10th consecutive week with the #1 album in the land, "Fearless."

In other pop news, Nick Jonas might be single, but dad Kevin Sr. mentioned to MTV that he thinks he'll get married first. AAAnd MTV made a story out of it...

With Joe dating Camilla Belle and Kevin dating hometown love Danielle, all the reporters at the red-carpet premiere of “Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience” wanted to know: Which JoBro will walk down the aisle first?

Even though Nick admitted to being “single” on the carpet, dad Kevin Sr. thought he might be the one to take the plunge first. “He is the most driven, focused of the three,” he said of Nick. “I don’t really know who will get married first — maybe Frankie.”

Frankie is their 8 year old brother, but you already knew that of course. But WOW MTV, nice story. The Jo Bros tour with basically their whole family, with mom dad and whoever else always by their side. Isn't that the biggest cock block ever? You're fcking stars boys, you should never tell anyone that you aren't single, and your dick should be wet 24/7. I'm not naive to think they don't get any, but wow.

It's Britney, bitch!

The folks at the San Francisco Chronicle are reporting that Britney Spears is going to get sawed in half during her shows on tour. Do they know that it's just an illusion? Because I'm pretty sure it sounds like they think she is going to be physically sawed in half. That is my second favorite magic trick, behind the one when the girl makes my penis disappear.

Milk is a gay movie

As if they weren't enough of a headache in the world today, Reuters finds the need to "report" that the movie has given young gays a renewed sense of activism. Ugh. That's the last thing this struggling country needs. Not to be preachy, but if a man can have consentual sex with another man, then why can't I have sex with a consenting 17 year old coed? Blastphemous.

And now to cleanse your palate...more Megan Fox!

O M effing G

She said "S on my chest," so I did it. You'd have made the same mistake.
Mega. Fox. Just click this. She's now single! You'll thank me. To be fair, very NSFW

The REAL prized Oscar

Anyone with the sack to just stand there with your hand down your pants on the red carpet is a winner in my book. Mickey Rourke may have gotten hosed for best actor (because everyone who has the 'courage' to do a film about gay 'rights' is just a brilliant artist and to act as a gay man is just brilliant acting) but he's still taking home the best looking, most fulfilling Oscar of the night...

The Academy Award-nominated star, who recently lost his beloved dog Loki, says he's getting a new Chihuahua this week and he's going to name it Oscar.

"Mickey has other dogs but he misses Loki terribly," a friend of the star tells RadarOnline.com. "He doesn't want to wait long either - he wants to get his new pooch this week."

On Saturday night Mickey took home the Independent Spirit Award and in his colorful acceptance speech he dedicated his win to Loki, saying, "This is for you, baby!"

La Femme Nicky-ta

For how over the top annoying Paris Hilton is (I didn't say terrible looking, but hotter image than reality), I'd much rather have little sis Nicky. And by have, I mean take her out somewhere fancy to eat, like an IHOP. Treat her like a lady. Oh, what? You don't think Nicky Hilton would be caught dead at an IHOP? I beg to differ...

Access Hollywood has learned Hilton was leaving the International House of Pancakes on Santa Monica Blvd. in West Hollywood, Calif., just before 5 a.m. on Saturday when Michael Broadhurst, 50, allegedly pushed her from behind.
While she wasn’t robbed or hurt, Hilton was extremely upset, authorities told Access.
A sheriff’s deputy inside the restaurant came out to check on what he referred to as a “commotion” and found Hilton placing the man under a “private person’s arrest.”

Soooo let's list the pro's and con's for Nicky Hilton...
Pros: Rich hotel heiress, will throw down with 50 year old men who cause a disruption, will eat at IHOP, rich, skinny, a cheetah in bed prolly
Cons: Little tits and that sister Paris.

Whatever... I choose you, Nicky! Today's your day!

Oscars?

Someone said to me "hey, Oscar's tonight? What do you think?" yesterday and I got sooo excited. I said aw hellz yeah, I haven't had a raspberry shake since that hooker and I got lost in New Berlin last Valentine's Day. Turns out he was talking about the complete opposite of a nice ice cream treat... the fucking Academy Awards. The Oscars is when a bunch of girls make themselves either look real ugly or real hot, and dudes who had no friends as children because they're so queer get to strut around with them and have their toes fondled because they had the "brilliance" to pretend to be someone they're not. "Scoreboard" though, I guess.

Anyway, the best things that happened were that Slumdog Millionaire won best picture, V. Hudgens showed some leg while making a little song and dance cameo, and Mickey Rourke took part in any capacity. Slumdog and The Reader are the only best picture nominees that I had seen, and The Reader, of course, is garbage.

And now something sweet to get our minds back on track...

Fock movies

I couldn't possibly care less when I hear about a movie that isn't coming out within the next 2 months, let alone one where they haven't signed on all of the actors or a director. Unless it involves the terms "Ashley Tisdale", "Amanda Bynes", "full-frontal nudity", and "orgy" in the same description. Then I make one of those long chains out of construction paper strips, like at Christmas, and rip one off each day until I stand in line overnight for tickets. Nevertheless, I actually raised an eyebrow and got a little excited when I heard about Little Fockers, the third installment of the Meet The Parents series. The story will revolve around the children of Greg (Stiller) and Pam (or is it Pan? played by the lovely Teri Polo), which I guess even a retarded chimp could assume, given the title. For every boring gay movie like The Reader, there should be a requirement that two Farrell/Stiller/Wilsons/Vaughn movies be released. It's called the ENTERTAINMENT industry.

Not sure how this escaped me, but I am now reminded Teri Polo did Playboy. We need more role models like her. Get her on the phone with Ashley and Amanda.



and this came up when I searched "little fockers"...

Don't go jumping off a Ledge-r

In perusing the daily entertainment news, I came across this delightful article titled Oscar Shocker: Is Heath Ledger Going to Lose? Of course he did a "nice job" as the Joker, but I am now rooting extra hard against Heath Ledger. If he does lose, it is going to be priceless when they show the other actors on camera in their seats. Some might cry, some might Boo the winner, inevitably some will have pouty and disgusted looks. I'm getting all giddy thinking about it. Look, a school bus crashing and bursting into flames is tragic. A natural disaster sweeping an area is tragic. An actor who o.d.'s on pills is not tragic. It's an eye roller. Your life must have been unbearably tough, Heath. You were banging an Olsen twin for God's sakes!

Triumph from Belmont Stakes

I've been searching long and hard...

Don't do it.

Shoulder pads are for linebackers, not girls. Many designers at Fashion Week have unveiled looks involving these hideous features. I let out a minor laugh at the opening paragraph of Newsweek's article...

It's probably safe to say that there were more shoulder pads at Goodwill drop-off bins than at fashion boutiques in recent years. But big shoulders edged onto the runways of Marc Jacobs, Donna Karan, Alexander Wang, Diane von Furstenberg and others as Fashion Week ended its fourth day of fall previews Monday.

Ugh. Just don't do it, girls. You won't get hit on. I won't like you. They won't accentuate any feature of yours. They won't hide any feature of yours. You'll just look like a mess. I'm not looking to hook up with Ray Lewis. And God, don't let DVF convince Whitney Port that they look good. Don't taint something so heavenly.