Tick, tock, tick, tock...

Miley Cyrus "got the nod" for 3 Kids' Choice Awards. More importantly, she gets the nod for the "Hurry Up And Turn 18" Award from my penis. And since you ARE of age Amanda Bynes, get off your fucking high horse and do Playboy!

The Cold War?

Beta vs. VHS. Coke vs. Pepsi. Apple vs. Microsoft. Snuggie vs. Slanket. Yes. A new battle has emerged. The Snuggie and Slanket are both blankets with sleeves so you can effectively change channels, read books, finger yourself, or whatever, and remain warm. I prefer the Slanket for the look, feel, color assortment, and boner I get when I wear it, but time will tell who emerges as the market leader for sleeved comfort accessories.

And I know genius modeling when I see it. I used to work with models.


photograph by Natalie Thompson

Don't knock it 'til you ride it

That bikini girl from American Idol, nobody remembers her name, says she's being pitched some interesting opportunities, including a Playboy centerfold.

"I wouldn't say no, but at the same time I don't want to stunt my career by jumping into that too soon and be labeled once again, as 'just a body.' But I don't knock it," she said.

Umm, should we tell her?...Really? OK yeah we should...YOU ARE JUST A BODY, THAT'S WHY YOU ARE NO LONGER ON THE SHOW. DO PLAYBOY, RETARD. BEFORE CASEY CARLSON GETS KICKED OFF AND SHE DOES IT.



and yes, I did mention Casey Carlson just so I can post her pictures...

Jess-Orca Simpson

That whale, Jessica Simpson, did a bang up job opening for Rascall Flatts in Michigan last night.

The Grand Rapids Press says Simpson forgot her lyrics, struggled with her ear monitors, mumbled through songs and fought back tears during Thursday night's performance.

Jessica, you used to be married to one of the coolest guys in boy band history, used to headline your own shows, used to induce more masterbation than you'd probably like to think about, and used to be genuinely liked by most people. I guess all I'm saying is lay off the Ben & Jerry's.

What's up Africa?

Marshawn Lynch did a profile interview for The Sporting News, here's some personal highlights...

First off, the subtitle of the interview is "(What you won't find on facebook...even if you are approved as a friend)"

Second, the guy owns four green cars. No, not green like that hippie hybrid bullshit, I mean literally the color green. Four of them. All green. I know.

What's in my iPod: Messy Marv, The Jacka, Lil Webbie, Lil' Boosie, Clyde Clarkson, Hustler, J Stylin, Keak Da Sneak and the Farm Boyz, Killa Tank, Lee Majors, Mistah F.A.B., 2Pac, Sleepy D

...Are any of them going to be at Country Thunder this year?!

On my office walls: A mural of me and everything meaningful in my life that my cousin painted. It includes my mama, penguins, the skyline of Oakland, "Family First", footballs.

...WTF meaning could penguins have that they make the cut of top 5 things in your life.

Favorite meal: Fried chicken, spaghetti and red kool-aid - unless my cousin made the blue

...unless my cousin made the blue. Wow.

My bucket list: I don't really think about that too often but I would like to go to Africa and see what's up over there. Also, the Philippines and Asia. Go to Fiji and see if the water is really like that. And also, I am going to go down in history for something. I'm not sure what yet, but it will be something good.

...He makes Africa sound like a neighborhood. Marshawn...it's a continent, homie. And great year 2002 Fiji water reference. I really can't believe what I just read.

Dear A-Fraud,

SLOPPY SECONDS!1!1! LMAO!1!1!

Sincerely,
Guy Richie

*******
Dear Nick Lachey, Nick Cannon, Justin Timberlake and Cash Warren,

Sloppy Seconds.

Sincerely,
Derek Jeter

Stay Sexy...

Sooo I guess I found the coolest man in America while looking for the gayest man in America. Chet from RW Brooklyn...no way are you straight. I'll buy it that you're a mormon, but you're as straight as the number 8. This stud however....wow. Without further adieu, Mr. Chet Wisconsin!

More Deja Vu

Where have we seen this before?...Oh yeah, when the Cowboys were legitimate Superbowl contenders every year, not just fighting for a 6 seed. When Michael Irvin was snorting an 8-ball of coke every night at a scrip club and cheating on his wife. When Charles Haley was pulling his dick out in team meetings and, sometimes, jerking off in the middle of them. When a group of players bought a house near the practice facility and called it "the white house." (you get it? because cocaine is white, and so is that liquid they covered girls with when they were cheating on their wives...get it?) Now THOSE are the Dallas Cowboys we grew up on. Anyways, former Cowboys WR Terry Glenn was arrested in the Dallas area for public intoxication and marijuana posession. Those cops had to be like, "maaan it's been a while for this. Hey, you remember that one time when....haha yeah, or that other time when...haha yeah. Maaan this could go on for hours."

UPDATE: WTF am I talking about? They never got arrested for anything. The more realistic exchange would be "Maan Terry, it's too bad you guys aren't winning Superbowls (or anything for that matter) anymore, otherwise you'd be right on your way."

That stripper was sooo hot

Someone probably got a Superbad-like period stain on his pants during a lapdance, or something, and decided to fight fire with fire. That fits well here. A man and a woman called a stripper outside of the LA strip club Babes & Beer Sports Club, where she works, doused her with something flammable and lit her on fire. No word on whether someone made it rain to put out the flames.